#ONESTORY is a concept project where I spoke to 5 different content creators as they documented the motivation and reasons for doing what they do.
Watch every episode here.
Watch every episode here.
There is a first time for everything...
Dating is a weird game. We all feel a bit awkward going on that first date with good reason. Are you making the right decision? What if you don't get on? What if she doesn't look anything like her photos? All questions I had going into my first ever date. Yes, I repeat FIRST. I want to tell you all a story... A story of anxiety, romance and deception.
I don't go on many dates at all. I'm someone who believes in love at first sight. I'll see someone, she'll see me and we'll just give each other a sly nod acknowledging that we are both the perfect match for each other. And the rest writes itself. But I mean a lot of people date. There must be a reason for it. So let me have a little dabble, let me see why numerous people are willing to put themselves out there in a space of vulnerability in the small hopes of finding true love.
So the story starts how most stories start. The internet. If you've read my previous post of Why I don't have a girlfriend then you know all about my animosity towards dating apps. For you people that haven't read it, I suggest you do as it is a good prologue to this story.
You read it?... Sweet... let's continue.
So after getting cramp in my thumb from swiping left and right so much I finally found someone who didn't ignore my message and could actually carry a conversation. Trust me that's not easy to come by on most parts of the internet. So I thought you know what, this person deserves my time, I don't know if you guys know this but I'm a pretty big deal now so need to use my time very wisely. But most importantly, she actually wanted to see me! This is a surreal feeling for me. So we arranged to meet and with this comes the first dilemma in dating. Where the hell do you go? Do you keep it chill and hang out at one of your houses? Or is it too soon for that and maybe she'll only think you want one thing? Shall we go to a restaurant? What if she's a vegan? I know... cinema. But that doesn't really give you an opportunity to talk. Because I'm a fat pig we decided on a restaurant, and thankfully she wasn't a vegan. Not that I have anything against vegans but... yeah.
Now at this point I had a brief idea of what kind of food she'd be into. But even so, deciding where to go was more of a collaboration. None of this letting the guy decide. I'm not about to be held responsible for going somewhere dead. We "settled" on a nice Italian restaurant. You can't really go wrong with Italian and garlic bread is the way to my heart so I could only assume it was the way to hers too. So a few days before the rendezvous I send messages about how excited I am and what not because I am romantic like that. All my cheesy lines land well and for once I am actually excited to leave my house and mingle with the outside world.
But this is probably the peak of my experience. Get ready for a rollercoaster of ups and downs. So it's the day of the date, I get there a bit early as I should because as my old man used to say "If you're on time you're late" which actually doesn't make any sense but I just didn't want her to be waiting for me. Which brings me to fail number 1. Now I know girls are going to post their best photos to social media. So it is very unlikely that they're going to look exactly like their photos. I anticipated this so was expecting someone who looked slightly different to their photos. Which is completely fine, not a problem at all. But one thing I didn't anticipate was that once I was in this mindset this then meant the possibilities of what this girl could look like broadened infinitely. I also didn't clock that I really can't put photos to faces. So you can kind of see where this is going. I get to the restaurant not expecting her to be there. But I see a girl who "could" be her. I literally had to get a photo and double check. I honestly couldn't be sure. I could've phoned to ask where she was, I even could've texted. But do you know what my dumbass did. I just assumed it was her, went over with the stupidest grin on my face and said "Hi (insert girls name here)". From the first word she said it was clear this wasn't her and my smile quickly disappeared into nothing. How do I recover from this? A silver lining. The girl was also waiting for a date and we ended up small talking. It was actually good practice.
Or so you would think. Kids here's a lesson. Don't be talking to another girl as your date arrives. trust me, doesn't matter if it's your sister, your maid or your nan. The girl won't care. You only get one chance to make a first impression. And what's even worse I said hi to my date then began to introduce her to this other girl who's name I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW! I then turned into a babbling mess trying to explain the series of unfortunate events that got me into this mess.
My date didn't seem too mad. I try to play it off and she seemed cool. So I was like cool, no more craziness from here on in. So we walk in, I open the door for her because I'm a gentleman, thankfully she doesn't call me a sexist. I then approach the waiter and say "Table for two for Byran". He then says, "Ah yes for Bryan". Common mistake and I am used to it, but this time it irked me. Like call me Bryan all you like in private but when man is trying to make a good impression you better come correct, PLUS I just told you my name is Byran. I then decided not to correct him as I evaluated the whole situation in my head and decided it wasn't worth it. I also don't think my date heard.
We get shown to our table and take a seat. Thankfully there's no ketchup on the table. The room is nice. It's well lit so I get a proper look at her face. She was actually really pretty. But you know when you see someone and you know its them from the photos but something ain't the same. I had that, but that's in no way a bad thing, I just had a completely new perception. So the conversation begins to flow, good conversation actually. Her online personality translated well to real life which was a big relief. There were a couple of times you know when it goes silent then you both go to speak at the same time. It's the one thing that causes me the most anxiety when talking to someone because it just makes things very awkward. But this time it was okay and I was very relaxed.
We're about a good half an hour into this date now and things are going well. We both ordered a pizza which came but... oh my gosh. She said possibly the worst words I could ever hear. Are you ready for this? She goes "Do you have ketchup?". Now first of all if you know me, you know I despise ketchup. Like actually. It's like a busktucker trial for me. So this already just bothered me. Secondly... WHO HAS KETCHUP ON PIZZA ANYWAY? Did i walk into some sort of parallel universe? Should I get some hydrogen with my water? From this point forward I knew the date was over. The bottle came and my eyes were just fixated on the red bottle of death. She poured some on. Literally POURED until the container was empty. I was like okay maybe I can see past this. I mean things have gone great up until now I can't let a condiment ruin everything. She then said the second worst thing... "Do you have more ketchup?" From then I was like okay that's a wrap, from here it's just damage control.
And I know what you're thinking, I'm shallow for being like this over some ketchup. But that's not the point, it was the application of the ketchup and the inevitable possibility of more ketchup in the future. Am I willing to put myself through that? Not on your nelly, not even for true love. You best believe if anything is going to come between me and someone else, it will be a bottle of the red stuff. After this ordeal I just couldn't concentrate. She attempted to speak as she was eating. Ketchup was flying everywhere I had to dodge it like I was Neo from the Matrix. Then she had the audacity to say "I love ketchup" as she licked her knife clean.
So what seemed like the longest meal of my life, finally came to an end. Well not before she grabbed a spoon and started scooping up the excess ketchup from her plate. The waiter took our plates and said "Dessert?". To which I replied "hell no, can we just get the bill please?". I then offered her a chewing gum which she declined but I was like "nah I insist". I wasn't about to inhale remnants of ketchup stench for the rest of the evening. I tried to keep things civil, like we still had a good conversation but you know when you've seen something that just scars you and it's in the back of your head. Yeah, needless to say that I had that. All of a sudden this person I once found attractive was... I don't want to say "revolting"... lets say unappealing.
And we finally reach the climax of the ordeal. The bill came. Now we hadn't spoken about who was going to pay and it wouldn't surprise me if she was expecting me to pay. I know I said I'm a gentleman but that only applies when being a gentleman is free. When money is involved there needs to be a financial plan in place. Plus its Christmas and I'm broke. Having said this though If the date had gone well I would have no problem paying. What irks me is when people expect you to pay. So the waiter puts the bill on the table. I take it and I notice she ain't moving. She ain't reaching for her purse or anything. So I'm thinking, well damn she's expecting me to pay. What she didn't know is that I had a voucher for the reach which is why I suggested the place in the first place. So I confidently say "Don't worry I got this". If I didn't have the voucher she would be paying believe me. I am not above paying my share and just dipping. But my deceptive generosity did me more harm than good. We leave and she asks "Let's do this again some time"... I say "hm". I quickly bolt to the train station and jump on the wrong train because I am completely flustered by the whole event.
And I haven't seen her since.
The unofficial sequel to "Why I Don't Have a Girlfriend"
Now I in no way want this post to sound whiny or self-pitying. I just want to make it clear that obviously I do have friends. The point of this post is trying to explain why I so often lose friends or drift apart from them. Maybe you can relate.
Right through my life it's safe to say that I've had many friends. I mean I'm 24 now so I am bound to have had a whole collection of acquaintances. But there have been far too many occasions where someone who I would call my best friend just doesn't speak to me anymore. And I can guarantee you that 99% of the time it comes from their end. If you are a good friend to me at any point in my life, that friendship means something to me so I'm not going to let it go just like that. I love people, I love communication, I love just getting to know the people I am close to. And yes I get it there are some times where you just drift apart from someone. Maybe they move away or they just become unavailable for whatever reason. And that is okay, people drift apart. And normally that is a mutual thing, you both accept that and it just happens. And most of the time you feel as though maybe some time down the line you can reach out to these people and potentially have a catch up. But this isn't what I am talking about. I am talking about those situations where you are literally talking to someone every single day, or near enough, and then suddenly this person just doesn't want to talk to you anymore. Now I don't know if it's just me but it's happened too many times. I can probably name 6 separate occasions when this has happened.
If you've been following this blog since it's humble beginnings then you know about a certain situation I had to deal with a few years back. The first time I ever experienced a total shutdown. Someone I considered my best friend literally blocked me on every social media platform and still to this day I have no idea why. To read the blog post click here I won't bore you with the details right now. But this was when I felt the full extent of a "friend" completely ditching me and it was also the first time. So ever since then I've become a bit more used to the whole situation. There is no doubt on this earth that I love all my friends. I will go above and beyond for them. And I'm not even just talking about best friends. I'm just talking about people that I talk to and are just friends. I'm what we call an empath and I just love interacting with people from all walks of life. So it is a bit frustrating when people just come and go and you have no idea why. I will say though having said all this I have no ill will towards any of these people.... hmmm actually maybe one. Definitely one. One of these people I have a lot of strong words for. But thats a story for another time. I always think that people have their reasons and no one on this Earth owes me anything... except for the tax man. It is completely up to you if you want to talk to me or not and yeah sure it will be nice to have a reason but if you want to completely terminate the friendship then that's your prerogative.
Like I said I love to talk, and I understand not everyone is like that. People will duck in and out of conversations I'm someone who can continue a conversation on for literally years. If I like speaking to you then I have no reason to end the conversation, that's just stupid. And all of these people I am talking about, this was the nature of our relationship. We would talk constantly so it was pretty easy to realise when something was going wrong. And its the worst feeling knowing something is up but not knowing how to fix it. I don't just have extended conversations with anyone. But I in no way trap people into talking to me... I'm just a good conversater. Every single day I look back and wish I was still friends with a myriad of people. And I know what you're saying. Why don't you try reaching out. Believe me I have but it's pretty easy to realise if someone wants to speak to you or not. Most of the time we will have a very fake conversation and once that ends I just won't hear from them again. And I don't want to start the conversation again, the fact that I reached out initially shows that I am still interested in being friends. And also sometimes I will clearly state my intentions but I get no real answers as to why people want to terminate a friendship. I do not know. Someone please tell me what I'm doing wrong or if they have experienced similar things.
Some of these people I may have had arguments with. But I have a very strict code I live by. If I EVER have an argument with a friend I will ALWAYS get over it. No matter what it is. I believe that all these years of friendship is worth it over one argument. If its a continued thing then that may be slightly different but overall my friendship with that person is what means the most to me. Everything I do will always be an attempt to rectify the situation, not cause more agg. If any of these people were to reach out to me it would honestly make my life and I would be happy to start a friendship again. But not everyone thinks like me and that is totally okay. If you feel as though not being friends with me is something you need then that is okay but I am always here and always willing. You can never really have too many friends right?
So when I think about my friends today... it's a fine list. But it could be longer and I'm getting to that age where you just don't see your friends as much as you used to and its incredibly hard to build new relationships. Where was I even going with this post? It's all been one big washing machine of emotions pouring out at once. But now... I don't want to chase people. To every person I speak to, I make it clear if I like you and want this to be a meaningful relationship. If you ain't into it then just say. I don't want to waste my time reaching out to you or wondering whether I should message you or when you're going to message me. It is SUCH a nice feeling when someone who you're friends with who you haven't spoken to in a while just reaches out and says "hey". But I feel like I'm always being this person which makes me think there is a reason why people don't want to reach out to me.
To avoid getting a bit too sorrowful though I'm going to stop. I hope I was able to articulate what I'm feeling and hopefully someone reading this can relate. This post was by no means an attack on anyone, in fact it's the complete opposite. I still love you. But to that one person who I have negative feelings towards. You know who you are... let's talk some time though... because as you know, I am INCREDIBLY understanding.
The story continues...
So normally when I write blog posts I have a certain sense of freedom being able to write what I want because I ultimately assume that no one will read it. But now writing this I know that people will read it and I know who these people will be which will ultimately affect what I say. But that's ok I have nothing to hide. So let's dive back into it shall we?
Summer 4 (2016)
I often say to people that 2016 was my favourite year at camp and people normally recoil in bemusement. Every year at camp is great, but of course some years are better than others. A lot happened in the summer of 2016 and I can see why it wasn't people's favourite summer. And for a long time I knew that I had a great summer in 2016 but I couldn't really put my finger on why. But looking back 2 years later I know exactly why. Firstly being at camp at that specific moment in time was so beneficial for me. I was doing my Masters and was having some "personal troubles". So getting away from it all and spending a few months in the woods was kind of like therapy. Also I must say this was probably the year that cemented some of my strongest relationships. It was definitely a summer of two halves. My first group of kids were a challenge to say the least. And I always joke about that TIC group not being too great but honestly they taught me so much and I feel we all bonded going through that experience. And there was a time where I felt like I lost them. Miles you know what I'm talking about. To this day I don't think I regret what we did but I regret the way it played out. But enough of me speaking cryptically. The second half of the summer proved to be a complete 180. And I am not joking when I say this but the second half of summer 2016 changed my life on so many levels. Coming off the back of a TIC group that made me work harder than I ever had and needed me to take on more of an authoritarian role this time round I was able to be a bit more lax and I felt more like an older brother. And I don't know what it was but I just bonded with this group on a different level. Part of why I love working at camp and especially with the older kids is because of that connection you can have with them and being the Counselor in Training Director gave me the perfect opportunity to do that. I love teaching them all leadership skills but what I love more is getting to know them all individually and supporting them emotionally. And my emotional maturity has not been tested more. One friendship that really blossomed for me was with a young girl who goes by the name of Toby Shore. I had no previous relationship with this girl but by the end of the summer it was like we've known each other for years. And that relationship continues today but 2016 was also about strengthening former relationships, Isabelle, Rayna, Ethan, Myles, Andrew, Lily, Rylee and Michael, thanks for everything you did for me but also everything you did for each other. Some of my highlights of the summer include, Phonegate, Cheska's leaving celebrations, a conversation I had with Rayna, Isabelle and Toby and giving Toby her banquet gift. This was also the first year I got to make the camp video which perfectly wrapped up my summer. Unfortunately I was unable to stay much after camp ended because I had a Masters to finish but hey ho.
Favourite memory: Picking up trash on an early morning with Violet.
Summer 5 (2017)
2017... I remember it like it was yesterday. This was the first year I really get to experience being on staff with a bunch of my former CITs. Unless you've been CIT Director you will never quite understand the connection you have with your TICs. I may be repeating myself a lot but it is something I truly cherish. And having relationships with a lot of them in the real world meant I was so excited to be able to work with a lot of them. But your excitement for the future never really turns into reality does it. And this isn't to say I didn't have a great time working with them it was just harder than I imagined. 2017 was all about me becoming accustomed to this new dynamic. Because it's all well and good developing these close relationships but that can all become undone in 2 months. Trust me I've seen it. Living and working with people that you were previously a mentor to and had to care of can be both emotionally and professionally taxing. Because now you not only have to focus on the job at hand but you also need to maintain all your old relationships whilst developing new ones. Things get a bit wild and people expect things from you that you're just unable to give. I must say it was a huge learning curve for me but I don't think it necessarily defined my summer however it did come with a lot of personal troubles also. But 2017 was also the year of change. We got a new Camp Director and a completely new cabin so CDW seemed like it was a different place. You know when a TV series gets a new showrunner and its still the same show but everything within it changes. Yeah, it was kind of like that. And I really felt it, there was a completely new vibe amongst staff as a whole and Ad staff for that matter. I had a new co which was a shock after working with Efrosini for so long. It was a shock, but I was also excited. Rachel was one of few people I actually developed a relationship with in my first year so I was excited to get the opportunity to work more closely with her. Plus it also meant that the TIC programme was going to get a completely fresh set of eyes. I was a bit wary that now doing the same job for the 3rd year the programme would get a bit stale but I also wanted to make sure that everything I had brought wasn't being completely disregarded. Transitioning was difficult, but if I am one thing, then I am a people person and highly adaptable. The main change we encountered with the programme, which was no decision of ours, we had 10 TICs in the first session. And I never thought this would be a huge difference. But it really was. It made for a completely new dynamic and means that I had to be emotionally open to more people. I did feel as though I wasn't able to get to know that group of TICs as well as I would've liked but I think it is one of the TIC sessions I am most proud of. We saw huge growths in every single one of them and being able to accommodate 10 TICs for the first time was quite the achievement and is now the standard. I always said having 10 TICs made more sense than having 9. It was especially strange though going to 8 TICs for the second half. Not only did the numbers decrease but it was just a completely different experience. I think a lot of it was down to this group being older on average. Not that the first group were immature but the age difference really showed. Unfortunately the number did decrease to 7 which meant the session was like none other I've ever experienced. It was also the first time I had a TIC that was previously in my Cotoxin. I think this group was perhaps one of the easiest I've ever had. The only thing I was concerned about was the interactions the group was having. I was very concerned about how the group would interact with each other and I think up until this point it was something I had taken for granted and didn't think too much about. But it was all good, the only thing I had to worry about was Eliza calling me overrated. I became especially close with my fellow Ad Staff members especially my babes Amanda who apparently I am desperately in love with. But that friendship and the already established one I had with Efrosini really did get me through the summer and I was forever grateful for both of them. I was ready for 2017 to be my last summer as TIC director and treated it as such. I was also open to it being my last year at camp but you all know I can never quite stay away. It perfectly ended with me spending a few weeks at camp doing some off-season stuff and becoming particularly close with my gal Francesca. If I had to rank summer 2017 it would probably be firmly mid table.
Favourite Memory: BANQUET
Summer 6 (2018)
I think the summer of 2018 was probably the summer where I was the most anxious about going back. Coming off the back of a somewhat difficult summer where I faced some unforeseen issues i was very weary about new challenges I would face. I was now going into my 6th summer so not only would other people expect a lot from me but I was expecting a lot from myself. I didn't want to repeat the mistakes I made from the previous summer and I would now be surrounded by a bunch of people I am incredibly close with but having to operate within a completely new relationship dynamic. I think this is something I always underestimate. When you get the opportunity to work with people you love then you're automatically excited. But you forget that you can't act the way you do in the real world. Imagine working with your friends and trying to get away with the shenanigans you normally get up to. Especially if one of you is technically the others ones boss. It just isn't possible. But that's not the main issue. Part of my job at camp means that I am not readily available and rarely around other staff members. So whilst I'm off doing my ish, other relationships are forming and even though it's silly to think you have to compete with others it does sometimes feel that way. You can feel as though you are losing your established relationships to other people. And I've had enough summers to know that this isn't the case but it really doesn't stop you from thinking it. So I spent this summer being hyper-aware of this fact but because this was my 4th summer as CIT Director I wanted to give the programme my full attention, I did prioritise my work as opposed to my relationships. And yeah it created some tension. I don't regret it though because not only did it allow me to do my job effectively but it also made it clear to me how much I really do cherish the relationships I have. And even though we had two amazing TIC sessions they didn't come without their issues. It was amazing to have two completely different groups of kids but both incredible sessions. Speaking of the second session in particular I faced a problem that I had never faced before. And even though it really did suck for my group of kids I thrived being in a position to rectify the situation for them. And I must say I think we handled the situation swimmingly. Oh and I just need to add. Lyla, you coming back to CDW after so long and fitting in so seamlessly was absolutely beautiful. I was so nervous and had no idea how you'd integrate but being your TIC director was a pleasure as it was very every single one of my TICSs in 2018. This was also a summer where I didn't have certain people that I had been particularly close with the summer before. And I think it affected me more than I anticipated. Part of staying sane at camp is having those people you vent to. And boy did I have a lot to vent about this summer. It's not the same venting to people who are not in the situation with you. A lot of my frustrations this summer however I felt I was mature enough to just get over. I am very much at that point now where I don't let myself get emotional or stressed over camp drama. Yes things get hard but at the end of the day camp is such a bubble and your emotions are heightened. I think I've learnt just to take a step back and get on with life but this in no way means I don't care. I tried to make 2018 as stable as I could and obviously nothing at camp is ever that stable so needless to say it didn't happen but I can honestly say coming out of the summer I was probably the happiest I've ever been. It was the first time where I was genuinely considering not coming back so was very much treating it as if it could be my last summer and I wanted it to end as positively as possible. I also made some great new relationships with campers and we did some new things throughout the summer that we've never done before. It almost felt as though camp had been rebooted. Staff was amazing, returners and newbies alike and Ad Staff completely smashed it as they have been since 2015 haha. I also believe off-season was a key reason why 2018 was great for me. Even though I had worked off season before this, this off season was different. I think just being able to work so closely with such a small group of people and just working so hard to get camp ready for the summer was just a great experience and perhaps one of my favourite camp memories. If 2018 is to be my last summer working at CDW then I am happy.
Favourite Memory: All of pre-summer off season
Because people asked for this...
So if you know me, and if you recognise the photo, you know what this post is going to be about. And I've written about this numerous times but people still want more so here it is. I will aim to be a lot more open and candid talking about it this time. I'm going to give my most honest account of working at Camp Dark Waters for the past 6 summers and how it has impacted me today. I'm also going to name drop a bunch of people because you all deserve recognition.
This is going to be in 3 parts just because I have so much to say. So I will recount my first 3 summers then the next 3 then write a post on the impact it's had on me.
Summer 1 (2013)
I have told a lot of people this story but my camp journey didn't start the same as it did for most people that work at CDW. Most people go up through the ranks, they're campers then CITs and eventually counselors and what this creates is a very close community where everyone knows everyone. So coming into an environment like this was hard for me. I'm not the most outspoken person ever and being a quiet individual doesn't really bode well at camp... unless you know how to use it. So I found myself amongst a bunch of strangers who were American, loud and obnoxious. I had no idea what I was doing there, I wasn't even that in to the idea of camp but there I was, having no idea what was in store for me. I spent my first summer being the low key counselor. People knew who I was, mainly because I was British, but I wasn't one to make a fool of myself in front of people. I hated the constant singing and the announcements and living in the middle of nowhere. For the first 2 weeks I wanted to go home. But I will never forget the people that made me feel welcome. And one thing I will always remember is Christine making an effort to get to know me during staff week and that is something that still sticks with me today. It's safe to say that I was a pretty mediocre counsellor and I had no plans to go back for a second summer. I thought it would be a great thing to do just the one time and then get on with my life. But I met a bunch of amazing people, mostly the kids, and when they're asking you to come back the next year its hard to say no. I had probably the best crew I ever had with Olivia. Probably the only crew that I vividly remember. I was a young 18 year old boy going into the summer with a lot of insecurities and anxieties and even though I am still insecure and anxious this place taught me things that I could not learn anywhere else. As the weeks went on, I felt more and more comfortable being there and by the end it really felt like home.
Summer 2 (2014)
Summer 2 started very weirdly for me. I arrived early to camp as I was in NYC visiting family beforehand. So I was there during what they call Ad Staff Week. And the previous summer to this, I had no relationship with Ad Staff whatsoever. Oh for you guys that don't know Ad Staff are the administrators and they're kind of the counselor's boss. No, not kind of... they ARE the boss, forever and always. Anywho I spent the week feeling very awkward as I found myself in bars with people 10 years older than me who I had not spoken to before. And anyone that knows me knows that this is a situation that just terrifies me. But I will say, it was actually good that I had this week. Being a second year counselor is one of the most important jobs at camp and one of the hardest. You not only have to better what you did the previous year but you also have a new crop of first year counsellors that you have to help and guide. So getting to know Ad Staff made me feel a bit more comfortable going into the summer and hopefully put me in their good books. I honestly feel like this summer was the making of me. It was the first time I felt like I was making real connections with both staff and campers. I had a great relationship with my co Stephen, became close with one of my best friends now, Katie, and discovered a new crop of amazing campers. I also want to actually thank Mad-Dog for how my second summer went. You were a huge factor in making me feel comfortable at camp and were always there for emotional support. Teaching Level X will always be one of my all time favourite camp experiences. Everyone knows I love to swim... so being able to impart some valuable knowledge on a group of great kids was quite the experience. All capped off with a nice ceremonial milk jug throwing that may or may not have had some crude messages. I then got the opportunity to become super involved with banquet. I got to pick which staff got which campers and also Maitre D'd the whole event. And summer 2014 was when I made one of my favourite banquet gifts. A quote board with a pretty great painting of Timone that I gave to my good friend Kristen. I always tell people that their second summer will most likely be their best. And still to this day the summer of 2014 is one of my favourites. I think it really solidified my love of camp and was the beginning of a bunch of great relationships for me.
Summer 3 (2015)
So this is where things really get interesting. In what probably would've been my final year at camp but the summer of 2015 was actually a very big turning point for me. So before this I had made it clear that if I was to be an Ad Staff person I would want to be the Counselor in Training Director. But I had no real aspirations of actually going for this. But staffing for 2015 was proving difficult and probably because I was the oldest counselor I got bumped up to what was my dream position. But because I came in so late and was paired with the baddest bitch ever (Love you Efrosini) it was a huge transition for me. To put it into perspective I only knew I would be doing this job a week before the summer started. So I came in not having a clue what I was doing and working with someone who had already done a lot of work on the CIT programme. So I spent a lot of my time attempting to put my stamp on the position but not trying to step on anyone's toes. And the first half of the summer was VERY hard. I went from working with effectively some of the youngest kids to the oldest and I just wasn't prepared for it. Who knew a bunch of competent 15-16 year olds could be so difficult. But having said this I knew this was the position for me. I was now able to have real conversations with the kids I was looking after and have a real impact on their development. And when I am still talking to one of those kids on a daily basis today in 2018 it makes it all worth it. Love ya Emma! So the second half of the summer results in a completely new set of kids and I initially thought it would be easy but tedious because we just had to repeat everything we had just did with the previous set, it was actually a completely different experience. The kids are what make the programme and that is something I didn't quite get initially. These new TICs cemented my love for the job and by this time Efi and I seemed to come to understand each other a lot better. I had always admired her as a counselor but she did intimidate so in fact getting the chance to work so closely with her was a privilege. It was a great way to cap of such a turbulent summer and one of my favourite memories will always be sitting in a canoe with Molly and Hussain on the last day to spill some tea.
Alright that's it for this post. And honestly looking back there is still so much I'd love to write about but I would honestly be here for days. Stay tuned for Summers 4-6 where you get to hear the story of how I fell in love.
Our need to be accepted by people we don't even know is quite frightening.
I think this blog is moving into slightly dangerous territory as I talk about slightly more personal subjects. But my feeling is if I'm feeling these things then most certainly other people are too. Also these are things that people don't really talk about in every day conversation. It's important to at least be aware of what something as normal as Instagram is doing to our state of mind.
What is even the point of Instagram? Well everyone who uses it will give you a different answer but if we boil it down to the fundamentals Instagram is a tool we use to feel better about ourselves. You absolutely have to let all 31 of your followers know what the hell you're doing every minute of every day. Every picture has to get a certain amount of likes otherwise it's a failure. No matter if people have liked it because they like everything, liked it by accident or they have given you a pity like. A like is a like, and even though it's just a number on a page it means so much more to us. So much that if we don't reach a certain amount of likes we will delete that photo. Isn't that just wild?
Do you remember back in the day people use to tell you not to worry what other people think about you. Heck, people are still saying that today. But not even just that, as long as you're happy you shouldn't worry about what other people think. But what if the majority of our happiness is down to what other people think of us? And that is the problem with Instagram. We've become obsessed with stats to the point where we're all marketers now. What can I do to get more followers, what photo will get me the most likes. This is all normal though. You do get a sense of joy knowing that people are liking what you post. Any form of our own art or creative output, when appreciated by others, is a real self esteem boost. But is this driving your use of the social media platform?
And the problem is much greater than this actually. Because unless we have thousands of followers or just love to keep our friends updated on every facet of our life we will spend the majority of time looking at other people's posts. And it's important to remember that all social media is presented to us through a lens... oh and filters... so many filters. Nothing is quite as we see it. But we're not thinking about this when we see that person standing next to a $1million dollar car or our friend who is travelling the world and taking photos at some pretty crazy locations. Sure all these people seem happy, and their lives look like ones to be desired, but it's not the full story. Is anyone living a truly happy life? Are these photos truly representative of these people's lives? Of course not, but we choose what we post and therefore choose what other people see. And it's crazy to think that we can, to a certain extent, manipulate people's perceptions of us. You're posting photos of yourself at these amazing restaurants with friends, but the 6 other nights during the week you microwaved a meal for one at home alone.
And it's getting to the point now where these people we follow on Instagram don't look real. Their lives look so manufactured and you just think, do people like this even exist. They post pics in these glamourous locations with captions that are so lifeless and souless a bot could have written it. But these are the people with thousands of followers. The people that young people these days are aspiring to be like but the truth is the majority of us will never lead a life like that. Your butt will never look like that, you'll never have a house like that and your make up will never look that good. And you can't compete with people's who's job it is to post to Instagram. Even though I am guilty of following a lot of "insta-famous" people the accounts I love the most are ones that feel real. The ones that have photos that are clearly not taken on a £2000 camera. The ones that have a bit of personality and humour.
Will I ever stop following the Insta-famuous people though? No. Probably not. It's hard to escape them and a lot of the time the reason why you follow them is because they possess something you want. It's like window shopping. We've all done it, and even though it isn't really good for us, longing for things we can't have, we do it anyway and we'll never stop.
There is a slightly more positive outlook you can take though. I will say that when I do come across profile's I like, it may be a really cool photographer, a food blogger, or just a good looking human being, it's nice to have access to these people. Before Instagram you never really could. But then I guess the downside to this is that it's not really socially acceptable to just try and become friends with someone on Instagram that you don't know. Or is it? If you received a message on Instagram from a stranger that was just looking to get to know you better because of your profile, would you been open to that? And we have all become slightly up our own arses. Saying "no DMs" in your bio when you have thousands of followers. Fine fair enough. But saying it when you have 200. Hmmmmm... I don't know. I guess it's your profile do what you like but it's called social media for a reason. I would love to hear of some friendships or relationships that have formed because someone slid into someone elses's dm's on Instagram.
So where does it end? How do we live a life on Instagram that doesn't potentially lead to depression. I don't bloody know. Seems like anything can make you depressed these days.
Maybe it's because I never leave my house, have low self esteem and absolutely no confidence... actually... this is a very long story.
I think there's a lot about my life and my character that has probably resulted in my single relationship status but nothing has contributed to it more than the surge of these dating apps. Now let's just lay it down shall we. We've all dabbled in the odd dating app. Whether it be Tinder, Badoo, Plenty of Fish, Grindr etc. We all say we're on it for a laugh but we all know we're hoping to maybe just meet someone special. It may happen it might not, but I do know quite a few people who are in strong relationships having met on a dating app.
But having said this, there are fundamental problems with the whole online dating game... and it is a game except winning is a bit harder than you might think. Well I guess I'm going to speak mainly from a guy's perspective but I guess this may also be useful for girls to know what kind of problems you are causing for your male counterparts in the social dating sphere.
So let's start with the glaring problem most people think plagues dating apps. That most people are only in it for the sex. And girl's don't mind reminding us about it. It's quite astounding how many girls have "Don't just want a one night stand" or "Swipe right if you only want sex". I guess it's nice that there are girls out there that do want real relationships but also lets not be naive to the fact that I am sure there are plenty of girls out there also that are probably just in it for the sex. I wonder if guys write on their profile that they are not interested in girls that just want sex. I mean a girl that is open about just wanting sex? Surely not.
And thinking about it anyway this isn't really a bad thing. I mean if you are just in it for the sex and you meet someone that is in it for the same reason then I guess it's happy days for everyone. Nothing really to be ashamed of. As long as you're both respectful and know what you're getting into then just go for it. We can be mature about sex, it's a physical need that often drives us and some of us will get it anyway we can.
But I digress this isn't really an issue for me... for obvious reasons. One big issue I have with dating apps is that if you are lucky enough to get a match or start a conversation, half the girls won't even reply. I am convinced that the majority of profiles on dating apps are either inactive or fake. And girls, please... putting "Don't just say hey" in your bio is a pretty outrageous thing to write. Okay I get it, you want to have an interesting conversation but only cos someone starts off by saying "hey" or "hello" doesn't mean they're incapable. If you like the look of someone, their bio seems to describe the perfect guy, if he says "hey" to you are you just going to ignore him? Like heck you are! Get off your high horse and just say "hi" back. OR WHY DON'T YOU START THE BLOODY CONVERSATION.
Let me calm down a minute. Yeah, dating online is awkward, it's weird, it's unnatural but just take it for what it is. I'm sure you both would rather not have to resort to online dating but there you are. Be yourself, be easy, take your time. The good thing about online dating is that there is no pressure. Of course it's frustrating when people don't reply but they're under no obligation to. You don't want to reply to a message for a few weeks yeah go for it. No awkward silences or strange goodbyes. You get to hide behind a screen and create a virtual version of yourself and that is what some people need. From this strong relationships do flourish and I've seen it so many times.
But it can all get a bit depressing. You're swiping right on people that you know you would never be interested in you and you have no chance with. But you swipe anyway because maybe just maybe 1 will be a match. I mean you swipe through how many people a day. Surely one of them will be a match. Then you start to question if you're even good looking. Am I even above average? Why would anyone actually want me? But you've seen people from all walks of life in relationships. They've all found someone, a lot of them online. So I guess one day I'll get a worthwhile match.
Having said this I recently discovered Plenty of Fish and it's quite interesting how that whole system works. The ultimate self esteem killer. You can literally start a conversation with anyone you see but what you can also see is who views your profile. So here's your trip into oblivion. You message a person you like, that person then views your profile, you see that they've viewed your profile but you get no reply. So that person literally saw your message, clicked on your profile and decided they weren't interested. At least on other dating apps you live in the ignorant bliss that maybe they just didn't see your message.
And before all this even came along I was always surprised when people jumped from relationship to relationship. Not that I was judging or anything I was just amazed that they were able to find so many people they wanted to be with. I couldn't imagine meeting someone and thinking I want to spend the rest of my life with them. I don't know if I've met anyone that's even come close. Maybe I'm just scared of commitment. And people always say that you'll find someone, someone will come along. Well it's been 24 years and still waiting. And it doesn't help when people are constantly asking you when you're going to get a girlfriend. "I don't know Debra, probably never".
And this isn't me saying that I'm desperate to get into a relationship or anything because I don't think I am. I have a lot of my own problems to deal with before I share them with another human being. But I have thought to myself, what if I'm never ready. What if that person never comes along. And I'm at that age now where people my age are having kids and getting married and I'm still here right at the beginning. Not even the beginning I'm so far off the beginning of the relationship spectrum it's unreal. The most annoying thing about this whole debacle is that I am VERY good at talking to people. I mean online at least.
Maybe I've told you all too much. How does an adult even meet new people honestly? I need to get out more...
But having said this, there are fundamental problems with the whole online dating game... and it is a game except winning is a bit harder than you might think. Well I guess I'm going to speak mainly from a guy's perspective but I guess this may also be useful for girls to know what kind of problems you are causing for your male counterparts in the social dating sphere.
So let's start with the glaring problem most people think plagues dating apps. That most people are only in it for the sex. And girl's don't mind reminding us about it. It's quite astounding how many girls have "Don't just want a one night stand" or "Swipe right if you only want sex". I guess it's nice that there are girls out there that do want real relationships but also lets not be naive to the fact that I am sure there are plenty of girls out there also that are probably just in it for the sex. I wonder if guys write on their profile that they are not interested in girls that just want sex. I mean a girl that is open about just wanting sex? Surely not.
And thinking about it anyway this isn't really a bad thing. I mean if you are just in it for the sex and you meet someone that is in it for the same reason then I guess it's happy days for everyone. Nothing really to be ashamed of. As long as you're both respectful and know what you're getting into then just go for it. We can be mature about sex, it's a physical need that often drives us and some of us will get it anyway we can.
But I digress this isn't really an issue for me... for obvious reasons. One big issue I have with dating apps is that if you are lucky enough to get a match or start a conversation, half the girls won't even reply. I am convinced that the majority of profiles on dating apps are either inactive or fake. And girls, please... putting "Don't just say hey" in your bio is a pretty outrageous thing to write. Okay I get it, you want to have an interesting conversation but only cos someone starts off by saying "hey" or "hello" doesn't mean they're incapable. If you like the look of someone, their bio seems to describe the perfect guy, if he says "hey" to you are you just going to ignore him? Like heck you are! Get off your high horse and just say "hi" back. OR WHY DON'T YOU START THE BLOODY CONVERSATION.
Let me calm down a minute. Yeah, dating online is awkward, it's weird, it's unnatural but just take it for what it is. I'm sure you both would rather not have to resort to online dating but there you are. Be yourself, be easy, take your time. The good thing about online dating is that there is no pressure. Of course it's frustrating when people don't reply but they're under no obligation to. You don't want to reply to a message for a few weeks yeah go for it. No awkward silences or strange goodbyes. You get to hide behind a screen and create a virtual version of yourself and that is what some people need. From this strong relationships do flourish and I've seen it so many times.
But it can all get a bit depressing. You're swiping right on people that you know you would never be interested in you and you have no chance with. But you swipe anyway because maybe just maybe 1 will be a match. I mean you swipe through how many people a day. Surely one of them will be a match. Then you start to question if you're even good looking. Am I even above average? Why would anyone actually want me? But you've seen people from all walks of life in relationships. They've all found someone, a lot of them online. So I guess one day I'll get a worthwhile match.
Having said this I recently discovered Plenty of Fish and it's quite interesting how that whole system works. The ultimate self esteem killer. You can literally start a conversation with anyone you see but what you can also see is who views your profile. So here's your trip into oblivion. You message a person you like, that person then views your profile, you see that they've viewed your profile but you get no reply. So that person literally saw your message, clicked on your profile and decided they weren't interested. At least on other dating apps you live in the ignorant bliss that maybe they just didn't see your message.
And before all this even came along I was always surprised when people jumped from relationship to relationship. Not that I was judging or anything I was just amazed that they were able to find so many people they wanted to be with. I couldn't imagine meeting someone and thinking I want to spend the rest of my life with them. I don't know if I've met anyone that's even come close. Maybe I'm just scared of commitment. And people always say that you'll find someone, someone will come along. Well it's been 24 years and still waiting. And it doesn't help when people are constantly asking you when you're going to get a girlfriend. "I don't know Debra, probably never".
And this isn't me saying that I'm desperate to get into a relationship or anything because I don't think I am. I have a lot of my own problems to deal with before I share them with another human being. But I have thought to myself, what if I'm never ready. What if that person never comes along. And I'm at that age now where people my age are having kids and getting married and I'm still here right at the beginning. Not even the beginning I'm so far off the beginning of the relationship spectrum it's unreal. The most annoying thing about this whole debacle is that I am VERY good at talking to people. I mean online at least.
Maybe I've told you all too much. How does an adult even meet new people honestly? I need to get out more...
#ONESTORY presents James Oliver, a London busker. He speaks about life as a busker and the people who inspire him. Follow his story on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/nomw.music/
It's a real thing, so let me tell you what it's really like.
Woooooooow. It's been a while. I kind of forgot that writing is one of my hobbies. Life's been moving at a million miles an hour recently which means the blog has been neglected BUT NO MORE... well less.
I read a very interesting BBC article the other day about life after university and it really summed it up perfectly. There are 3 major jumps we make in our educational life. Primary to secondary, secondary to college/6th form and then college/6th form to university. As much as these educational institutions like to think they prepare you for the next step they don't really. You're kind of left to just figure it out as you go. But you have a bunch of people who you probably know in the same boat so it ain't as bad. BUT NO ONE ABSOLUTELY NO ONE can quite prepare you for the transition from uni into the real world, it's quite shocking.
While you're at uni you kind of forget that the degree you're working towards is to help your chances of getting a decent job in the real world. Clouded by the incessant partying and all nighters life is just perfect. You're basically getting free money from the government (if you're poor) and you get to live with a bunch of your mates. You're probably only in university twice a week and the only thing you have to worry about is the next series you're going to watch on Netflix. And this is just blissful ignorance. Because really, why should you think about life after university. Especially in first and second year because you know there is at least one more year to come.
But you get to final year and your lecturers are all of a sudden making you think about graduate opportunities and jobs and you're just like "How has this happened?" But it's happening and it happens pretty damn quick. Soon the system will spit you out into the big wide world. You will be trudging back probably to your parents house and real life begins. There's absolutely nothing wrong with coming out of uni though and not knowing what it is you want to do. Some people decide that actually what they studied wasn't for them and would like to do something more vocational. And even though you may not end up with a job that has something to do with your degree, having a degree still helps massively.
If you come out of university with a job offer! Great! Perfect! Go off and thrive! But if not don't fret. Sometimes in life things don't just fall in place for you. You need to do some figuring out and hard graft of your own. Because lets be honest. Your life up until now has pretty much all been set. It was just make it from one of school to the next and then the same with uni. Now you actually have to plan your life out for yourself. And jobs may be intermittent. A 1 month contact there and 6 month one here. You may find yourself bopping around quite a lot. But you'll figure it out eventually. Or maybe just take some time for yourself. No one says you have to come out of university and get a job straight away.
Now let's get on to the more depressing stuff. As if all that wasn't depressing enough. For those of you who moved out. Moving back home is probably the thing I found most difficult about life after university. Going from a life of independence and freedom to going back to being under your parents thumb is hard. Constantly having to tell them where you're going, who you're going with and what you're doing is a hard pill to swallow. You start to realise that this is your life now although the prospect of moving out seems like the move your bank balance is saying no. Which leads you back to the job hunt and the cycle continues anew.
And it's lonely. Not having your best friend living literally in the room next to you is hard. You can't just quickly pop in to have a catch up or pig out on the sofa watching TV. All there is are your parents and probably your siblings. And it can lead to depression. Life at university is full of possibilities and dreams but you get into the real world and the prospect of getting a job that you could be doing for the rest of your life is frightening. Where did those 4 years go? They were great... but then they were over. Now I'm lucky if I see my friends twice in a year.
Jobs you want say you need 2+ years experience then you start to wonder if this degree was even worth it. But then you finally find something. It's only an entry level position at a company that you don't really want to work for but you remember you need to start somewhere. You get your contact through, take a look at your salary I finally excited to start earning. Then your first day comes... you are a LONG way from university now. Everyone is smartly dressed and Debra from finance is 105 years old. £2 vodka cokes are a thing of the past. You're shown to your desk, you sit down and let out a great big sigh and think to yourself "This is my life". You sit there for 3 hours and somehow it's still only 10am. Only another 7 hours. You stick it out and you finally get home and realise you're too tired to do anything.
You're a zombie. you give most of your life to the corporate machine and realise you get little fulfilment out of it. There was nothing better than going to uni for noon spending a couple of hours listening to some dude then going home and probably having a nap. And that's the truth. University will NEVER EVER prepare you for the real world. Or maybe I'm just being a bit cynical. Wow this whole post was kind of a downer actually. Okay there are some perks in escaping he education system.
You're now earning money so can buy cars, holidays and new apple products to your hearts content. There is some small sense of fulfilment when you're working in the big city. Hopping on the tube, going to work amongst all these big shots. Because truth is... in a sense you have made it. You can achieve things you never could stuck behind a university desk.
But then you just catch yourself thinking about your time at university. And you will long for it, you'll miss it and wish you were right back there. But maybe bigger things are lying ahead. You went to uni to achieve something in the real world right, not to forever live in an educational bubble. And you are on your way there.
It truly was an emotional end.
Let me just start by saying I think it is great that Coronation Street are raising awareness for such an important subject. It will literally save lives. And thank you for Shayne Ward for giving such an impressive and believable performance. You will truly be missed. However this post isn't about the subject matter itself. It is more to do with the execution. I feel like I need to say this as I made this tweet yesterday and I think some people who replied completely missed the point.
So as the tweet suggests, my biggest complaint about the episode is that unless you knew Aidan was about to commit suicide the episode really didn't make any sense. Well I mean the last couple of scenes. I like to keep myself from spoilers, so although I knew Aidan was leaving I had no idea how he was leaving. The events up to yesterday's episode hinted that something was up with him but I thought he would just simply decide he had enough and leave the street. But again, kudos to Corrie for tackling such a sensitive subject.If you didn't know Aidan was going to commit suicide tonights episode would've made little sense. I didn't know know and I was totally confused. It's like the producers are expecting the audience to know spoilers now which is no way to watch television #corrie— ByranCito (@ByranCito) 7 May 2018
So my experience watching the episode, not knowing that Aidan was about to commit suicide, all I saw was a man completely dejected from the family festivities then suddenly breaking down all alone in his flat. As the storyline has suggested, the signs are easy to miss. Also, someone crying alone in their flat doesn't automatically mean suicide. So me being totally confused about what I had just watched I did what any normal millennial would do and consulted Twitter. It was then to my absolute amazement that people were talking about suicide. I asked the question how the heck does everyone know he's about to commit suicide if they didn't show it. Then I realised it's because it was released in the press that this would happen.
So because of this we have an ending to an episode that doesn't stand on it's own. And I can honestly say this because I had no idea what was about to happen and I was bewildered by the ending. It just seemed as though Coronation Street was relying on its audience to already know what was about to happen and in my opinion this is really no way to watch television. Now I feel like I missed out on the impact of Aidan's final scenes because they only work if you know what he is about to do. I think what actually would've been a better solution was to still have those final scenes but then allude to the fact that Aidan committed suicide. I don't know maybe we see his lifeless body or we see him literally about to do the act.
But rewinding slightly actually the whole storyline would've served the subject matter a lot better if it wasn't even released that Aidan would commit suicide. I mean the whole tragedy of suicide is that we sometimes don't see the signs and it's such a shock when it happens. Imagine the impact it would've had if the audience had no prior knowledge and it just happened. Now these are all just suggestions. I have a lot of respect for the Coronation production team and I know a LOT of research went into the storyline. So I am in no criticising what Coronation Street have done but these are just my thoughts after watching that last episode completely blind.
It was nice to hear that Shayne Ward did contribute to Aidan's last scenes but having said this, this actually led to more of my confusion. Seeing Aidan in the pub then suddenly alone in his flat seemed very strange and I honestly thought we were witnessing some sort of flashback or fantasy. Again, totally works if you knew he was about to commit suicide but very jarring if not.
Anyway... I think that's it from me. Just wanted to put that all out there. But overall congratulations to the Coronation Street team and Shayne Ward in particular. Its great to see such real and important stories being told in mainstream television. It's a nice change from the complete drivel Eastenders is producing.
The quietest people have the loudest minds.
The title kind of makes it sound like it's a choice... but it's not. I can probably guarantee that the majority of introverts wished they weren't. And I really don't know what how it happens or why it happens but it just is. For me personally I guess I've always been "shy" but never really considered myself an introvert until I got to university.
It was weird, I all of a sudden found myself in a situation where I didn't know anyone, my parents weren't in the next room and my life just completely got flipped on its head. All of a sudden the thought of living with complete strangers made me feel sick. And the frustrating thing is that I love meeting new people, I'm always ready to make new friends and connections but put me in a situation where I come face to face with someone I don't know I just close up. I become awkward, I have no idea what to say and I'm just being a shadow of who I really am.
And I promise, I'm not being rude I really do want to talk but in my head I just flick through every possible thing I can say and just can't pluck up the courage to say it and I don't know why. The world won't end if I ask you how your evening was, I'm sure you won't be offended if I ask where you're from but something just stops me. It's a struggle I have every single day and I always say to myself "What's the worst that could happen?" but even that doesn't make it any easier.
It really is true that that the quietest people have the loudest minds. On the outside it may seem that there's not much going on in the mind of an introvert but believe me there is. They're thinking about every single detail of the conversation they're having and more. They want to talk but they just don't know how to. And when they eventually do they spend the next 4 hours thinking about how they could've performed better. They know what they want to say and how to say it but their mind runs away and somehow just talks them out of it.
And they'll sit there listening to other people have conversations and wondering and wishing how they can have a conversation that easily. They make a pact with themselves. Next time "I have a conversation I'm going to try my absolute hardest to be myself and keep it going." The perfect opportunity comes but still they crawl back into their little shell and wishing they were in any other possible situation.
Attending group activities with people they hardly know terrifies them to death. They know they'll be the odd person standing on the fringes as everyone else acts like they've known each other for years. They wish that someone will approach them and maybe usher them into conversation because making the first step themselves is just too difficult. They can't make eye contact for more than a few seconds so it may seem like they're staring off into space when actually they're thinking about the sheer awkwardness of them not making eye contact and trying their best to rectify it.
But in the presence of people they know well and are comfortable with they're a completely different person it would seem. They don't mind being the centre of attention and will tell anecdotes until the sun goes down. Same goes for the virtual world. They'll happily have a conversation behind a screen, masking themselves from the realities of social interactions. They don't want to meet this person face to face... not yet. Right now they are purely happy being a faceless conduit.
However they're smart, they can read you, they've worked you out pretty quickly. Their minds are working over time and latching on to every word you say but also focusing on the words you're not saying. They play over every single scenario in their head no matter how feasible and it eats away at them constantly. It's not all bad though, they also have crazy imaginations and are often fans of writing.
Being an introvert doesn't mean they're quiet, it means there is a loud person inside that doesn't know how to come out. They're scared of rejection, and being the centre of attention because of their own insecurities. They also like to exaggerate...
Which might mean this has all been a bit dramatic.
I guess I should start this by saying hello. Thats how most messages start right? So hello. Life probably seems quite easy right now. You're not really thinking about where you're going to be in 5, 10 or even 20 years. Well I can tell you. You're going go be right here, on the train writing this message. Lamenting all your regrets and misdeeds. Well it doesn't have to be this way if you don't want it to.
When you get to secondary school things are going to change for you. And I don't just mean your body. You will no longer be popular among your peers. You won't speak to your friends from primary school they'll soon drift away. But try and keep them. Not all of them. Just stay in contact with one. You will see them on the internet in years to come and just wonder what could have been. Friendship at that young of an age doesn't mean nothing. Its reminiscent of a time where nothing mattered, you had endless goals and dreams and anything was possible. That will start to fade so hang on to something that will remind you of those times.
You're going to meet a lot of people at secondary school. A lot will seem like friends forever but not all of them will stay. Do your best to be kind and understanding and those who want to stay, will. Remember that the majority of your friends will come and go and thats perfectly fine. But also remember you're going to find it hard to make friends anyway. You are well intentioned but you don't want to open up to many people so they never really get to see the real you. I'd like to say that this will get easier as you get older but even at 23 you're still having trouble. But its okay this wont stop you from having some truly great and real friendships.
Always work hard and figure out what it is you want to do. Not knowing is fine but channel that creativity of yours into something productive. Write a book, film something, save up for a decent camera. Just do something that allows you to have some sort of creative outlet. I mean its never too late but its always nice to have a bit of a head start. I know you love films and you love to play football. So stick with them. You never know something may come of it if you're dedicated.
Now you're going to start noticing girls a lot more in due time. I don't have to tell you this but always respect them. You feel uncomfortable around the majority of them anyway but you will learn that you actually get along with girls better than guys. I still don't know why. Heck girls may even start to like you. Always be empathetic and always be truthful. Don't be stupid, don't lead them on. The situation is bigger than you and you owe it to them to do what is necessary. But it's okay this won't be a recurring problem for you. You'll meet one other person after this. Probably best to avoid her though. She's not good news and in the moment it may seem like the best thing ever but a few weeks down the line she'll drop you and you'll feel like crap... even to this day.
Oh and I should probably warn you that you will lose one of the best friends you've ever had. Actually this may happen a few times. But the first time it happens I wish I could tell you what to do differently but I'm still not sure what happened. Just take it as a learning experience and carry it with you. A lot of your friends will love you unconditionally but be as open as you can with them. Some may start to resent you because you're so closed. I know it's hard but some people really are worth it.
You're going to become a role model to a bunch of crazy American children. You're not even going to think much of it before you go but when you get there you will fall in love with a little camp tucked away in New Jersey. Sure there's sand everywhere, it's in the middle of the woods and people walk around bare foot but you will still adore it. You'll meet some incredible people and make a real difference in people's lives and you will spend 5 summers working there. You won't regret one single second of it.
Oh and look after your eyes. I've been told I injured my eye some time in my youth but I can't remember when. If you don't then you will start to lose sight in one eye and will need to wear contacts. You'll think it's fine at first but it will wear you down and the quality of your life will drop.
If I know me then I know I am probably close to not paying attention anymore. Theres so much more I want to tell you. All the amazing holidays you'll go on with the family, fantastic opportunities you'll be a part of and just generally all the inspiring things you'll get to do. Some days you will feel worthless but even if you completely ignore this... I would say you've done quite alright for yourself.
