DON'T BE AN IDIOT
I never thought I'd have to write a post like this but with 2016 going the way it did it's not much of a surprise to me. In the early morning on 20th December 2016 my Nan sadly passed away. Luckily, well I say luckily, it wasn't sudden. She had been ill for a while so I had time to prepare myself. A part of me was naive thinking that she would get better. But that's what we do when we're hit with news so tragic, we go into complete denial. But she was always a formidable woman, a strong woman and I genuinely thought she would beat it. I just wish now I spent more of that time accepting the situation and just seeing her as much as I could.
I am currently not at home, which for some people would be hard but for me I am quite glad. I can accept that she is gone and being alone to deal with it is kind of what I need. What would be hard about the situation is seeing family devastated over what has happened. I have been fairly lucky, I haven't experienced a death of someone so close to me until now so I don't really know what I should be feeling or what the heck to do and I don't think I could be someone supporting others through this. As I said we all knew she was ill so I just pray that everyone had their time to come to terms with it and not let it hit them so hard. I mean that makes sense theoretically but let's be honest death will always hit hard whether you saw it coming or not. To think you're never gonna see that person again. You start to think about all the things you're going to miss about them which is actually nothing because there are so many small things you'll miss too that you don't even realise.
For those of you who know me, you probably know that I was always at my nan's house. For the first 18 years of my life I would go round her house twice a week every single week. And what I'm starting to realise now is that maybe I took that for granted. I mean there would be times I'd go round and not really interact with her but just being there was the point. Being amongst your closest family is why we went round. Not to mention that she literally lived round the corner from me so I could literally see her whenever I wanted. I feel privileged that I got 22 years with her and I understand that the next 22 just won't be the same.
So after months believing that she would get better, the other day my mum told me that she wouldn't and at that moment is when I came to terms with her death. So now she is actually gone, it hasn't hit me so hard but I am sure that some time in the near future it will. I only have fond memories and that is what I will treasure and use to get through this. It's going to be hard losing the matriarch of the family and with it being so close to Christmas there's just such a mixture of emotions. But I know she wouldn't want us wallowing during the festive period so I won't. I'll enjoy the day and forever have her in my heart.
Experiencing death is something that we all are likely going to have to go through one day. And I've come to understand that there's no one real way of coping. If you want to cry you cry, if you want to laugh you laugh, if you want to lash out then I guess that's what you do. Death isn't about mourning the ones we've lost but celebrating the people that they were and remembering what they mean to us. You are who you are because this person had a certain impact on your life. Dwelling on the fact that they are gone, I know it's hard not to do but be thankful that they were once here. It's you that's going to carry on their memory and make them proud as they look down on you.
So Dear Nana, thank you for being the strongest and most caring person I know. Staying sane in such a chaotic family couldn't have been easy for you. It is an understatement to say that we're all going to miss you and not a day will go by when your grandchildren won't remember you. Thank you for blessing me with an enormous family who I get to see so regularly. I'll miss your homemade pizza, homemade chicken pie and the way you call me "Byno". I've never known a life without you living round the corner and although it will be different I know you'll always be there. Rest in perfect peace and Merry Christmas x
I am currently not at home, which for some people would be hard but for me I am quite glad. I can accept that she is gone and being alone to deal with it is kind of what I need. What would be hard about the situation is seeing family devastated over what has happened. I have been fairly lucky, I haven't experienced a death of someone so close to me until now so I don't really know what I should be feeling or what the heck to do and I don't think I could be someone supporting others through this. As I said we all knew she was ill so I just pray that everyone had their time to come to terms with it and not let it hit them so hard. I mean that makes sense theoretically but let's be honest death will always hit hard whether you saw it coming or not. To think you're never gonna see that person again. You start to think about all the things you're going to miss about them which is actually nothing because there are so many small things you'll miss too that you don't even realise.
For those of you who know me, you probably know that I was always at my nan's house. For the first 18 years of my life I would go round her house twice a week every single week. And what I'm starting to realise now is that maybe I took that for granted. I mean there would be times I'd go round and not really interact with her but just being there was the point. Being amongst your closest family is why we went round. Not to mention that she literally lived round the corner from me so I could literally see her whenever I wanted. I feel privileged that I got 22 years with her and I understand that the next 22 just won't be the same.
So after months believing that she would get better, the other day my mum told me that she wouldn't and at that moment is when I came to terms with her death. So now she is actually gone, it hasn't hit me so hard but I am sure that some time in the near future it will. I only have fond memories and that is what I will treasure and use to get through this. It's going to be hard losing the matriarch of the family and with it being so close to Christmas there's just such a mixture of emotions. But I know she wouldn't want us wallowing during the festive period so I won't. I'll enjoy the day and forever have her in my heart.
Experiencing death is something that we all are likely going to have to go through one day. And I've come to understand that there's no one real way of coping. If you want to cry you cry, if you want to laugh you laugh, if you want to lash out then I guess that's what you do. Death isn't about mourning the ones we've lost but celebrating the people that they were and remembering what they mean to us. You are who you are because this person had a certain impact on your life. Dwelling on the fact that they are gone, I know it's hard not to do but be thankful that they were once here. It's you that's going to carry on their memory and make them proud as they look down on you.
So Dear Nana, thank you for being the strongest and most caring person I know. Staying sane in such a chaotic family couldn't have been easy for you. It is an understatement to say that we're all going to miss you and not a day will go by when your grandchildren won't remember you. Thank you for blessing me with an enormous family who I get to see so regularly. I'll miss your homemade pizza, homemade chicken pie and the way you call me "Byno". I've never known a life without you living round the corner and although it will be different I know you'll always be there. Rest in perfect peace and Merry Christmas x
It's December... and where has the time gone?
So December is here and the year is almost coming to an end. And I bet you're wondering where the heck 2016 has gone. I doubt you're the only one. Don't worry, I'm here to shed some light on the situation and make you understand the wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff.
1. January 2016 - You probably spent the first month of the year trying to live up to the new years resolution you set yourself. However by the end of the month you probably realised it was impossible, unlikely or just not gonna happen.
2. Damn, Daniel - You substituted half of your vocabulary with a mild profanity and one of the most basic names on Earth. You also developed an obsession with a certain white footwear and couldn't help referencing the meme when such attire entered your presence.
3. Doctor Where? - You cried a little when it hit you that you wouldn't get your yearly fix of the longest running sci-fi show Doctor Who. You then wasted a lot of your time Netflix surfing to find an adequate alternative.
4. I'm Negan - You spent a good majority of your time slating the Walking Dead for your playing with your emotions more than any girl could.
5. Relationships - Half of you probably spent your time getting into or out of a relationship because 2016 was supposed to be "you year". Oh well, there's always 2017.
6. Mid-life Crisis - You probably came to the realisation that life is pointless and death is inevitable and began to question your whole existence.
7. Harambe - You spent the good part of 2016 crying for, arguing over and meme-ing a dead Gorilla.
8. Queen Cersei - You were left wanting more by the Season 6 finale of Game of Thrones and are still anticipating Season 7. You also thought this would be the most outrageous political event to happen in 2016.
9. Leicester City - You probably had a melt down over the under dogs winning one of the biggest leagues in the world and questioning whether they'd be able to do it again. The answer is: probably not.
10. Euro 2016 - You fell into the trap of believing this was England's year to achieve something only to be inevitably and unsurprisingly disappointed. I mean was losing to Iceland as big of a surprise as everyone's making out?
11. Brexit - You definitely spent a good percentage of your time believing Britain would never leave the EU only to wake up to the sterling drowning, Cameron quitting and Farage doing a runner. Your attention has probably diverted to taking down the monarchy.
12. Olympics 2016 - A lot of your time was probably spent pretending to care about Team GB's success in the biggest athletic competition on Earth but you don't even know half of the events that happen at the games.
13. Exam results - You perhaps questioned where your life was going and what the point of your existence was when you realised you probably would have done better in your exams if you didn't even turn up to take them.
14. Flip Bottle - You found a new use for your drinking utensil and spent hours trying to achieve... gravity.
15. Instagram - You laughed at Instagram's attempt to try and become Snapchat.
16. iPhone 7 - You began to question Apple's business model when someone forgot to add an earphone Jack to their latest phone incarnation. Then you realised it was probably intentional and all for the $$$.
17. Suck My Nuts - You spent at least a week mourning the death of Abraham and are probably still mourning the brutal death of everyman Glenn.
18. President Trump - You went into a mild depression when you realised one of the most powerful countries in the world is going to be helmed by a racist and xenophobe. You went into a further depression when you realised that the citizens of the US voted for him.
19. Mannequin Challenge - You found out that people are much more entertaining when they're not moving. But you didn't realise that it is a simplified version of a concept The Matrix started in the late 90s called "Bullet Time".
20. Vine - You mourned the death of an ultimately mediocre social media platform.
21. Cars 3 - You had to re-evaluate the most slated Pixar franchise when you witnessed a Christopher Nolan esque teaser trailer.
What else did you waste your time on in 2016?
Is being loyal not wanting to get with anyone else or resisting to get with anyone else?
I don't actually know where I stand on this but hopefully that becomes more apparent as I write this post. It's a tough cookie to crack because can you only be attracted to one person for the rest of your life. I don't think so, no matter how much you love your other half you're not going to stop finding other girls attractive. Now whether this means you want to get with these people is another story.
In order for us to answer the question we must first define what "not wanting to" means. Does it mean not wanting to because you're in a relationship or not wanting to simply because you don't want to. A lot of people believe that because you're in a relationship you shouldn't want to get with anyone else. And this is fair enough... when you look at it from surface level. But if you dig a little deeper, firstly no matter how deep your love or how good the sex can you really expect your other half to not have a wondering eye from the billions of other people on the planet? And on top of this you won't even know if they've even thought about getting with anyone else, so as long as they're satisfying your needs everyone's happy right? You're not a bad person for maybe wanting to get with other people when your in a relationship because it's honestly impossible to have that physical attraction to just one person. As for love, that's a completely different story but it's because you love the person you're with that you don't even go there.
But then you can argue "why do people cheat on the partners that they claim to love?" Well simple answer is that they don't love them. But a more complex thought is that they may love their partner but the attraction is just too much and sometimes this does transcend "love" for some people. I mean you're in the moment, your partner isn't there, you're with a really attractive boy/girl it may be hard for you to say no. However if you really do love your other half then you'll realise that 2 minutes of pleasure probably isn't worth it. A big reason for why people want to stay single is because they can't comprehend the idea of committing both physically and emotionally to one person for an extended period of time. Let's not kid ourselves it is a big deal which is why I respect not only people in relationships but people who have been in them for years. Not to say that I'm off throwing myself at a different girl every week but the idea of a relationship is still a scary prospect for me.
Now I touched briefly on the idea of resisting which is pretty much what it is. This is perhaps much more common form of loyalty. And even though the idea of it seems disloyal, is it really. Not wanting to and resisting both ultimately have the same result, does the method really matter? On the flip side if you were to tell your partner that you wanted to get with this person but you "resisted" I can't imagine they'd be too happy. Let's not be naive to the fact that this is how most of us stay loyal. If we could we'd love to get with everyone we found attractive without any consequences but this is not how the world works. Resistance does take strength and loyalty and showing that to one person is a pretty big deal. It's just important to know that your other half isn't messing around with anyone else BECAUSE of you. But then again what do I know?
Relationships are pretty much one big mind game and its your job to play whether you like it or not...
I don't know what world you're living in mate, but where I come from cats are pussies.
Now I'm not one to judge. I don't care for Halloween so therefore don't really care what you dress up as but why is there now a tradition that dressing up as cats is an acceptable Halloween costume? Halloween is another American custom that we've seem to have picked up over here but the fundamentals of the day are pretty straight forward. SCARY. The Halloween films were about a bunch of kittens getting adopted.
As you get older you begin to learn that Halloween is just another excuse to go out with your mates and just party and obviously you can't go to a party without looking... "nice". People seem to think they can't look nice as an undead zombie or a werewolf so they dress up in next to nothing and go as bunnies and cats. This seems heavily targeted at women... I'm sorry but this kind of is the situation. I mean boys dress up as some pretty lame stuff as well but my main gripe is with the pussy.
And also I think a lot of it is just a lack of effort. You're not remotely trying to look scary. You know what halloween is about but you're actively going against it. You're not even a vampire cat... you're just a cat. With the whiskers and everything. Honestly you might as well not dress up at all then at least that makes more of a statement then lamely attempting to be part of the festivities.
This Halloween though I must say I haven't seen as many cats. I think this is because we've had so much inspiration in the past year there's just no excuse for it now. Now some of you are probably thinking "who am I to talk? I haven't dressed up for halloween for the past 15 years." If you're thinking this, how the hell do you know I haven't dressed up for 15 years but more importantly my views about Halloween are pretty solid. I know where I stand, allowing me to judge. Haha, no I'm joking. But it is my blog so...
I can't say I will ever be a fan of Halloween... and I don't know how to finish that sentence. HOWEVER I do like seeing the effort some people go to. It gives a chance for us to be imaginative and creative. Don't squander that by deciding to paint on some whiskers and go as a feline.
Who wakes up and says I want to sell houses for a living?
Have you ever been house hunting? If you've been to uni you probably have unless your uni accommodates 2nd and 3rd years. Anyway that's not the point. The point of this post is how much of a circus getting a new place is.
Talk about pushy... you make one little enquiry online and the next thing you know you're being bombarded by calls from John wanting to know everything about your life. Like I understand why they do it but on the other hand it's like they don't trust us. Believe me I wouldn't be looking at places I couldn't afford. Having said this though it might say 500 a month but once you add bills, council tax and the repossession of your soul you're looking at close to 700 a month.
But that's not even half of it. You're already starting the process of handing over your life before you've even seen the damn place. And when you get to this 2 bed flat you realise its actually a 1.5 bed. Honestly some of these rooms they're passing as "bedrooms", once you put the bed in there's not much room for anything else. And the estate agent is standing there spouting all this trash about how it's a "good size".
Now let me speak about female estate agents. Don't take anything I say here the wrong way but every single female estate agent I've met have been decent looking. Tight skirt, high heels... now lets not lie, some people will take a house because of some flirtatious behaviour from a pretty estate agent. But me... nah. I don't care if Beyonce is trying to sell me a house if it doesn't meet my needs I ain't taking it. But a lot of these estate agents are good at their job, tbh most of the females were better than the males and actually sold the property.
So now you've decided on a place you think life is dandy and you can move into your new bachelor pad. Er... no. There's paperwork and agency fees. And some of these agency fees are bloody ridiculous. What are we actually paying for exactly? I swear no one knows. But then I see estate agents driving these nice cars and in their sleek suits and I think... "oh yeah".
Let's not forget that selling houses is a job. The estate agent doesn't care about you and your needs. The only thing they care about is making that quick sell. They'll happily sell you a sewer calling it a basement with "character".
I think I'll just inherit my house from me old ma and pa...
For a while I didn't even know...
I started writing this blog around 2 and a half years ago. I had no expectations, no goal and no idea what I was doing. Heck, I still don't know what I'm doing but it's been a mad ride since then and if one thing in my life has been consistent it's this blog. The posts I write now are the same as I wrote way back in 2014, well I mean hopefully they're better now but the ethos is still the same. I never want the reason for why I started this to be lost or subverted so I'm reminding you guys as well as myself now.
I have decided to completely revamp it, but that in no way signifies a change in what I'm going to be writing about. It's all going to be the same nonsense, not wearing jeans, how to talk to girls, how to beat the buffet. I can't imagine me writing anything different to be honest. The old layout was a bit basic and 2 and a half years of this calls for a bit of a change.
As you guys know there's not really a point to what I write about. I mean I like to write and I have a lot of thoughts mingling in my head so the best thing to do is write them down. If people want to read, then that's great but if not then I'm happy just using this blog for cathartic reasons. I don't want this to be about figuring out how to get more people to read or bombarding people with posts telling them to read it. Like I said if people want to read it then that's great but I really do write this for me. I would be lying if I said I haven't researched ways in getting more people to read my blog but a lot of the ways in which I would go about doing that will result in me compromising why I write this blog. I don't want this blog to have a theme or some rigid structure, all it is is a manifestation of my brain.
The reason why I like to write is because it's a solitary thing. Just you and a computer screen or a piece of paper. You're doing it because you want to. To be totally honest with you I thought I would've dropped this by now but I've really surprised myself that I've kept it going. And that's not because I feel any obligation to the people reading it but purely because it just helps me a lot. It helps me make sense of my thoughts and is an insight into my life that not a lot of people get to see. There will be times in all of our lives where we will have to do things we don't want to do, just to get by. I know that's coming for me, so until then I'm going to do what I like and it's all going to be because I want to do it. I will have to spend my life being governed by "the man" one day but that day ain't today, not by a long shot.
Where was I...? Oh yeah so there will be a point in your life where you'll be questioning why you're doing what you're doing. So for now it's important to hold on to the things that you love, the things that excite you, the things that make you, you. Don't become a robot, you're not here to get up go to work come home, eat, sleep and repeat. What kind of life is that? Not one that any of us want to be living.
This blog is me and it will always be me. Nothing will change that. A lot does change in 2 and a half years, but this won't... I won't.
Say cheese...
You know when you see a photo of someone, especially when it's someone you don't know, you just look at what's there. Maybe they're smiling, maybe they're not, perhaps they're nicely dressed or maybe its a selfie first thing in the morning. Photos represent what we look like at one minuscule moment in time. We will never look like that again nor will we ever be able to recreate that moment. But there's a lot more to it. Every snapshot has a story and sometimes we forget that the people in these photos are like real human beings. Each one with their own back story and own journey. They have a a life, and this photo you're looking at is just a very small part of it. We can hardly assume it represents who they are as person.
Because honestly what can we really tell about someone just from a photo? We're just seeing how they look at a very specific moment in time. And right through out our lives we look "different". I look different than i did 10 years ago and probably different than how I looked yesterday. Looks don't really tell us much at all. I feel like all my blog posts come back to this idea of what's on the inside, but it's honestly true. I mean this is why racism exists right, because we're judging people by how they look, not for who they are as people and who they are just means so much more. The relationships we build, most of them are platonic and platonic relationships have absolutely nothing to do with the physical. And we all know this, but yet we judge that person because they're wearing their skirt a little "too short". It means nothing. We don't put on clothes thinking about what other people are going to think about it. Did that make sense? I mean some people might, but we dress how we do because we think it looks good, or we are comfortable with it.
With selfie culture becoming such a phenomenon these days, exemplified by social media this idea is only too apparent. Like why do we even use filters. That filter with the yellow flower crown thing was obviously made to make people look better than they actually are. I mean if you go through tinder that is the filter most people are using. But I digress, I mean the photo already didn't tell us much about you so the fact that you've put a filter on tells us less. I do get it, some of these filters are just fun, and its cool the way they detect your massive head but lets just not be blinded by it. The world is constantly moving, constantly changing and photos just don't do a very good job at capturing that. They're good at saving moments when we're happy, sad or exhausted but only cos I'm happy then, that doesn't make me a happy person. I have been through a ridiculous journey to get me to that point and a photo won't tell you that.
I think this post made it sound like I hate photos more than I actually do. I mean they're fine... but not many photos of me actually exist.
You hot heads always running your mouth...
Well of course arguments are unavoidable. They spring up on us even at the most unlikely of times. We argue with people we love and people we hate which means your next argument is just round the corner... or is it? No it is... but still we can try and not expel energy on such a pointless act.
Arguments normally start from a disagreement between two people... or more. But they normally escalate because these people don't know when to shut up or because they just care about whatever it is they're arguing about. And that's what it comes down to really. Why any of us argue is because we care. Which is fine, but why does caring about something have to lead to this. Wait where am I going with this again? Okay so first of all, the reason why I stay so cool most of the time is because firstly I stay out of opinionated people's way and also because I actually don't care about very much. There are not many things in this world that I would have an argument with someone about. Because honestly I just don't care. But I know, not everyone is a robot like me and a bit of a recluse.
So how do you just stay out of it. Well i've lived by this rule for most of my life and I just never realised until now. So I am someone who tries and accepts people for who they are. Even though I might not necessarily like it, and trust me most of the time I don't, just being able to accept that this person is the way they are will just help you keep a cool head about a lot of things. Because you're never going to change this person, and why should you? They are who they are just accept it. Accept that this person has acted in this way or said this thing because that is who they are. No point getting angry about it or frustrated. And of course there are times when you do have to say something or make your feelings known but coming from a non-confrontational perspective will help in the way you deal with the situation. No accusations or judgements, we're all humans and we're all different. Just face it. And hopefully you'll find yourself becoming a lot more tolerant of people's BS.
The way I like to look at it is that I'd want people to just accept me for who I am. I am sure I piss people off with the way I am and people have said this to me but its when they realise that that is just the way I am, they can accept it and just move on. It also explains a lot of our actions and the things we say. And yes I know it's hard and takes time to realise people for who they really are, which is fine. Just take everything as it comes. No one is out to ruin your life... actually MOST people are not out to ruin your life. Take nothing to heart, be happy and be you.
Oh, but this is no excuse to act like a complete and utter tool.
The next station is...
Do you ever look at someone when you're on the train and just try and guess their story. Why are they on this train right now? Where have they been, where are they going? It's crazy thinking about it. Every one you see is on their own personal journey... just like you.
Where have you come from? Where exactly are you going? You don't know? Neither do I? But you'll figure it out. I mean you can plan all you like but no one knows what the future holds and its impossible to be prepared for every possibility. So roll with the punches, take life as it comes and one day it will be kind. A lot of people are frightened about their future which is understandable. My future terrifies me but I'm excited to see where I end up.
As per my previous posts I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Sitting at home while the rest of your family is out working is a depressing experience. But that's all coming for me. Wake up, work, eat, sleep and repeat. Needless to say its not a glamorous lifestyle but a necessary one if you want any chance of surviving in this world. Remember everyday you're writing a new page in your book. In years to come when someone reads your story, give them something exciting to experience. Time isn't on our side and I know a lot of people say to make the most out of your life but you really really do. I wish I took that advice years ago. I mean I've done stuff, but there are also things I look back on and think what if? You're never going to stop having those thoughts but lets try and limit it at least.
So you're sitting on a train, where are you going, where have you been? The woman sitting across from you, where has she been what is her destination? That group of kids, what's their story? Well you'll never know unless you ask, and I'm not saying you should ask every single person where they're going, but the point is the fact that you don't know is the beauty of it. There are endless possibilities for why they are riding that train at that moment in time, and it's not our job to guess what those possibilities are but embrace the fact that you've crossed paths with this person that is 1 in 7 billion.
What's your story going to be tomorrow? You don't know... well, just make it good.
Another major city checked off the list
I don’t know how many of you guys have been to Liverpool but it’s quite the place. I mean the only reference I have for Liverpool is the football club and their motto “You’ll never walk alone” which is actually pretty good advice when I found myself walking the streets of Liverpool at midnight. But I guess it’s not all that bad, it has many characteristics of most major cities in the UK, major homeless problem, lively night life and plenty of chicken shops. However I was there for a work conference meaning I was there for you know… work. Well actually that’s where you’d be wrong because I got to experience Liverpool night life and wow it was quite the experience.
So my new colleagues and I all started off together as we had an area in Brooklyn Mixer to ourselves. It started off as more of a social thing then turned into a right ol’ knees up. And for the most part it was great, meeting like minded people from all different parts of the UK was somewhat satisfying. And by like minded I mean camp people. It’s almost impossible to speak about camp to non-camp people so being in a room filled with people who understood all my references and just “got” camp culture was pretty great. Anyway I digress…
So we’re all having a good time when an incident throws a spanner in the works which basically ended up with us leaving the place. We didn’t get kicked out but we left none the less, and off to watch the Glolovkin and Brook we went. Now I’m pretty much a fair-weather boxing fan, I’ll just jump on the band wagon when a big fight is happening. You’re probably wondering where this story is going. I promise it’s going somewhere. So anyway after Brook got his arse handed to him we left the club and got a real feel for what Liverpool night life was like. Did I tell you guys about Swansea? I think I did. But yeah it was a lot like that. And hearing drunk scousers screaming all over the place isn’t a pleasant experience. Did I mention everyone in Liverpool is a scouser and they’re all so amazed when someone down south is in the city. But that’s another story. So yeah, Liverpool equals pure carnage for everyone involved.
Now here’s the apex of this story. Now i know some bouncers are funny about the people they let in to their clubs but we were literally the least threatening group I’ve ever seen. We couldn’t even intimidate a melon if we tried. For anyone interested, this club was called Level. AVOID IT AT ALL COSTS. So we made our way down the road of freedom and debauchery, after being told to enter by one of the promoters, when we’re stopped by one of the bouncers. He asks us how many is in our group. To which we timidly reply, 8. Which is like the generic size of a group going out. But apparently, this was too much. Having 8 people in the club that know each other may cause problems. And then, this is where it gets ridiculous, one of the bouncers looks at my shoes and says “we don’t allow huaraches” you know those pretty despicable nike shoes that all the “cool” kids wear. First of all let me just say those were just not the trainers I was wearing so he’s already messed up there. We tell him they’re not huaraches but no, that;s not enough for him he has to approach me and closer inspect the label which to his dismay read “adidas”. Sorry mate. Honestly though what differences does it make what shoes I’m wearing. Those trainers are just one of many different types of trainers that exist. I understand there is a conceived perception of the type of people that wear them but to assume everyone the wears them is like that is prejudice and to not let people in because ion it is discrimination. If you don’t allow them then don’t allow trainers full stop. So we walked away, with our dream of entering Level dead. You know that club that is 1 of hundred of clubs in Liverpool. Oh the bouncer also cursed us out numerous times.
After that though, the rest of the night was decent. Liverpool has such a vast array of clubs, its quite interesting. One venue looked like an abandoned house which made me feel a bit “hip”. As you guys know I’m not really the “going out” type so its hard for me to comment how good Liverpool is. But from my numerous years working in the clubs and events industry I can say it will definitely not disappoint. I mean literally every single place there was a stag or hen do. Also were you guys aware of how many chicken shops are actually in Liverpool. I mean I’m from East London which is chicken shop capital and even I was surprised. I just didn’t expect it from a place like Liverpool. And I swear they just never close. Gonna have to speak to bossman about extending his opening hours.
Moving away from the night life, visiting different cities in the UK often feels like you’re in a new country and Liverpool was no different. There were all these shops that I’ve never heard of and people speaking in a weird accent. I’m all about being cultured but I’m sorry the scouse accent is just jarring after a while. I’m really sorry… still love you Liverpool. A great thing about the city centre though is that they literally have every shop you can think of in walking distance to each other. All the big boys, Primark, H&m, pound land (they love their pound shops). Actually thats another thing. The food there is kinda cheap, the amount of signs I saw for cheap fry-ups was pretty incredible.
I think I’ve spoken for long enough. I hopefully I just gave you a deep glimpse into my Liverpool adventure but I guess this post culminates with 1 question, Would I live in Liverpool? No. No I bloody well wouldn’t.
I guess you guys should be used to this by now. Me leaving for an entire summer, well in case you didn't realise I did it again and it was good... great in fact. It does feel good to be back though to a certain extent. I mean I like being here with all my clothes and air conditioning and... do I sound privileged yet.
Anyway for you guys that don't know, in June I jetted off to America to go where I have been for the past 4 summers... CAMP. I don't know if any of you know the mental state I was in at the time but I really did need to get away. Masters life was draining, I wasn't in the right environment and I just needed time away from a place that had just given me so much stress. I questioned myself whether leaving was the right decision but as soon as I made my way down the gravel and through the trees into camp I know I had made the right choice. There is no greater feeling than living and working with people you love and care so much about. It's something I wish everybody got to experience.
I won't go too much into my time there in this post but just know it was a great summer! My second year in a job that I absolutely love, working with a lot of the people who I admire and respect. I will always cherish being in the position to shape the future of young individuals and having such a positive impact on their life. The great thing about this is that you get to witness it. 2 campers who were previously part of my programme were now on staff and I felt like a proud uncle. There are not many places where you get to see that growth first hand and if I was to stay in Bournemouth drowning under pointless paperwork and petty humans I would've never witnessed it. Thank you past Byran.
But now it's an and of an era. The only thing I am almost sure about in my life is that I'll be back at camp next summer. I have never wanted to return so much. Maybe I should just work at camp for the rest of my life, maybe that's where my future lies. Anyway I have now come to the end of my masters and I have no idea what the future holds. Time to finally enter the real world and apply for jobs and look for places to live. Its a pretty daunting transition but a necessary one and something that scares me but excites me. All these years in education haven't been for nothing and I knew the deal, this day was coming and now its finally here. Time to take life by its reigns and ride it like a bull. Right now though, I don't know what I want to do with my life. I know what my end goal is but I don't know the steps to take to get there. There are a lot of obstacles life throws at you some foreseen some unexpected and dealing with them is a task within itself. But this is also how we grow and makes us appreciate what we have and what we want to have.
It truly is a sad time to potentially be leaving a place I love and saying bye to a few good friends. But I guess it's the start of something new and exciting, I could not do another year in education so work is the only option. Shout out to the Staff of CDW 2016 and all the Postgrad Media Students 2015-2016. Good luck with all your future endeavours and I'll see you again soon.
Peace x
Oh no, not that kind of "crunch".
So you know sometimes so much stuff is happening but you're not really sure what you should be doing. No? Oh... well I'm going through that right now. I know I have stuff to do, but I still don't know what to do. It's a weird feeling and it's frustrating but I guess that's life.
Right now, I feel like I am at a pivotal time... I want to say my life but its not that deep, just a pivotal time at this period. Shooting for our web series starts soon and then I am soon heading off for America. I think right now pretty much sums up this whole academic year. Excitement, endless work and stress. I'm not going to lie, this years been pretty great. I've produced some good films and met some amazing people. But with people comes personal stress issues, they just come hand in hand.
To be honest with you I haven't experienced too much personal stress. Well I say that, I guess I experienced a lot at one moment in time. and it just made me think how crazy emotions and feelings are. I guess I'm kind of going off on a tangent but oh well. I mean you can feel a certain way, you know you don't want to feel like that but you just can't help it. Something inside you just overcomes you and makes you feel that way. It's a really frustrating situation to be in. If at the beginning of the year you told me I would have to deal with this I would have laughed in your face.
It's important to remember that all feelings pass. No matter how bad it feels now it will pass, and the people that are making you feel this way aren't even worth it. No one deserves to feel that way and nobody has the right to make you feel that way. Seriously, why does this person have so much power over your happiness. I do get it, I get that we get these feelings normally about people we care about. But how much can this person really care about you?
I used to be such a blank slate when it came to feelings. Never showed anything, but now I've realised that that got me into a lot of sticky situations. Don't get me wrong, expressing your feelings also can but at least you're not hiding anything and everything is out on the table. Am I making any sense here? I don't know. But when I say "crunch time" I'm really alluding to my transition into emotional maturity haha... well that's what I'd like to think so.
I don't think any of that really means anything to you, well it might, I hope it did.
I have recently decided to completely remove jeans from my wardrobe. Why? That's an interesting question, but the real question is "Why haven't I done this already?". Jeans are just the go to lower half of body wear. But really why? I think we've all been heavily deluded.
For starters, this ones more for guys. The damn things are so tight. I mean skinny jeans are like the thing now. If we see someone with like bootcut we'd question if they were from this decade. But anyway they don't leave much to the imagination. The first struggle is getting the damn things on, And jeans are not a very nice material. Well if you're cheap like me and get them from Primark. The friction caused as you tire yourself trying to pull them above your knee. And then you've got a whole half a leg to go. And that part of the leg is fatter than the other half.
You finally get them on thinking the struggle is over but then you realise that they're not even comfortable. At least the pain you went through to get them on is temporary but that uncomfortable-ness you're feeling now is going to last as long as you wear them for. So now you have two choices. You're already in the damn things and getting them on was more trouble than its worth. So you can either take them off and go through all that pain in reverse. Or just live with the fabric riding up into your crotch.
Let's move on. As if jeans weren't already asking a lot of you, they just couldn't stop there,. They're now asking you to wear something extra to secure them in place. It's just attention seeking if you ask me. I mean you can get jeans that don't require belts but for me anyway the majority of mine need them. So on top of paying top dollar for these jeans (they are expensive) you're now required to fork out even more for a piece string. TROLLED.
And that's just the start. Getting belts on are a hassle. You're literally jumping through hoops for it. Then you get to the end and realise that the belt has twisted and is now the wrong way so now have to waste more time twisting it back to the right way. And some belts don't even do their job properly. I don't know if this is just a "me" thing but the buttons always seem to fall below the belt. if that makes sense. So I have to constantly put it back into place so people don't think I'm about to expose myself all the time.
I've just realised that jeans are just not worth it. And they all look the bloody same. No ones going to compliment you on your jeans. OH ACTUALLY I JUST REMEMBERED. WHY ARE TORN JEANS BECOMING A THING? I am fearful that I will fall into the trap and look like I went 10 rounds with that bear from The Revenant. I don't get it now, nor do I want to get it. Torn jeans are a big no. I wear trousers so people can not see my legs. This kinda defeats the purpose. And it's all becoming a bit ridiculous now. At least make it look like the tears are there intentionally.
I mean I only wear jeans out. Every time I get home I always have to change so this day was pretty much pending. Track pants FTW.
Having said all this, jeans are the only piece of clothing that you can wear multiple times without washing. No? Is that just me?
So I am probably the most busy I have been in my whole 21 years on this planet. I was gonna make a video about this but I want to update you guys as soon as possible and this is the quickest way to do that.
So firstly, I produced my first live action film which was a mad experience. Its currently in it's second edit and I can't wait for people to see it. I worked with a bunch of talented people and truly believe we created something spectacular. You may say I'm bias but I don't care, it's great. I'll prove it some day.
Right now I am in the process of producing, writing and directing a web series. Well I haven't started directing it yet but that will happen. I am so excited about it but also super nervous. I've written and produced but never directed so it will be a massive learning curve but hopefully the outcome will be something worthwhile. I seriously feel like I'm working an actual job and I'm actually enjoying it. I'm working with some great people and it just gives me a chance to network and be creative. Please check out the Facebook page and our crowdfunding page to support the project.
Next, I am also producing a short film about hookers, drugs, guns and all that good stuff. It's my first time producing something that I have not written myself which is crazy. Obviously there's that sense of detachment but because I love the story and believe in the project I am just as excited about it. To come out of university having produced 3 projects will certainly be an achievement. Next, international success!
Then we move on to another project that I did not have a producing role in but wrote then passed on to a bunch of talented young people taking part in the BFI Filmmaking academy. I've been invited to the screening so will be travelling to Newcastle pretty soon to see what they've come up with. But I know it will be great and I'm so excited to see it. There's something satisfying seeing people act out words that you wrote one cold night in your own room.
All this is being done while I attempt to go back to America for a 4th year and teach some aspiring counselors how to counsel!
I guess I should talk about how I'm doing personally. I am good. I could be better, I feel as though some of my relationships have flourished but others have bombed. Still I'm grateful for all the friends I do have whether we're on good terms or not just purely because I wouldn't be where I am right now. So because of that I am happy. I have learnt a few things about people though, the last month has been an eye opener. I've seen such great things in people and the opposite. Right now though I think its important for me to just surround myself with positivity and not get engulfed with drama. If you're causing me drama, then I don't have time for you right now.
But as I always say, I'm no one.
Thank you for reading til the end and it was nice to write something after creating so much visual stuff. I guess that's just me going back to my roots.
See you in September!
Oh snap, it's been over a month since I wrote on this thing.
I feel like I always start these posts the same why. Feed you all the same rubbish "haven't posted in a while, that's going to change blah blah blah". Nothing changes. I'm still the same unreliable guy I've always been. But I have been busy, Masters is no walk in the park you know. I feel like I've been a bit serious lately so time to be a bit more upbeat and write about something a bit more random.
So let's talk about citizenship... No I'm not going to give you lessons on how to be model citizen because that's a bit boring. But for all my UK readers out there, all 10 of you, I want to speak about the academic pile of nonsense class we had to take which was titled citizenship. I recently had a conversation where I was reminded about this complete waste of time and it made me a bit angry, so I thought I'd better talk about it. For those of you who don't remember citizenship was... hold on... what the hell even was it? I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER! That just proves how pointless it was man.
Now the UK education system isn't the best, but it's also not the worst. Well actually this comes into question when you try and make "citizenship" a class. Like really and truly, what does that even mean? And I thought P.S.H.E was pointless... well it is... but Citizenship even more so. Seriously that time could have been used for revision of a class that actually made sense or it could have gone towards an extended lunch time. Instead I'm learning about... nah still nothing. Can't actually remember a thing.
If you're going to try and brainwash us with a subject that could basically mean anything then at least make it a little bit useful. Why not teach us about the stock market or how to do taxes or how to get that perfect peel on a muller corner. 45 minutes a week I wasted on that. Literally, the school just robbed us. I don't know if other schools in the UK had to do this or whether it was just my school thinking they were being innovative. I can safely say its wasn't innovative. Innovation was when I drew the Ralph Lauren logo on a plain shirt with a sharpie in a drastic attempt to be cool.
This is perhaps part of a bigger issue though. i don't know whether they've got rid of that monstrosity, I hope they have but it's often a topic of discussion about the deterioration of our education system and how grades mean nothing. And now becoming a teacher seems like an easy career path. Let's not underestimate how important education is though. Kids don't go to school just to learn algebra, school also just teach kids about general life lessons. It's one thing knowing pi to 50 decimal places but if you're unable to apply your knowledge and be a decent human being then you're not going to get very far.
What hope do we have for future generations if they're learning citizenship? There are children out there who would love to be part of an education system like ours and is this what they're really missing out on? My best school memories are achieving good grades and school trips. And I'm tired of people saying grades don't mean anything. Of course they do. Grades are not just a letter on a piece of paper, they represent a period of hard work and dedication and also I do believe in some regards exams are "memory tests" it is not that easy to cheat the system. Students achieving these high grades should be celebrated and not be told that their achievements will amount to nothing in the real world.
Still to this day I often have to reference my GCSE and A Level grades. This is in no way me saying work experience isn't always beneficial but both are able to co-exist. Teachers perhaps have one of the best jobs in the world, shaping the future generations as well as getting amazing holidays. They have the opportunity to have an impact on a number of lives and be rewarded in the process. There is no better feeling than knowing you've made a difference, no matter how small.
Wait, we were talking about citizenship... what a waste of time.
No, I haven't won an Oscar... not yet anyways.
I realised that I hadn't posted in a while. I hope you weren't too worried about me, I swear I'm fine. Who am I kidding? You definitely don't care but I'm going to try and post a bit more regularly, which actually means nothings going to change and I'm actually going to be worse than before.
I think as we get older we feel stupid for having feelings that we associate with childhood and teenage-hood. But can something really be stupid if its the norm for humans in general? These are feelings that are universal and those strangers you see walking down the street have probably felt most of the "childish" feelings you're feeling. One of these feelings is acceptance. Hang on... is that a feeling? People can "feel" accepted right? Yes, they can. But anyway I think it's human nature for us to want to feel accepted.
As we all know though, we can't force feelings, especially a feeling that relies so heavily on the people around us. Acceptance is complicated and can only be truly felt over a period of time. But what does it take for people to feel accepted? How do we physically go from being outsider to being included into a particular environment, culture or society? Now this can be seen as something pretty drastic. Say you were moving countries and moving to a small town where everyone knows each other basically. Chances are it's going to take a while for you to feel fully integrated into that community. There may be language barriers or culture differences that you will have to get accustomed to. But having said this I've been thinking about the concept recently and it doesn't have to be something this radical.
It's no secret that everyone living on this planet wants to feel accepted. We can never really be us if we don't have that feeling of acceptance from the people around us. Having said this though a huge part of being accepted is being yourself. Which is actually a bit contradictory. I feel as though a lot of people in my life don't accept the way I am. People will tell you they're accepting but when it really comes down to it they're actually not. People subconsciously try to change the people around them and that doesn't make them a bad person it's just the way we are wired. We want people to share our views and opinions as then we feel a lot more reassured. I mean this is how arguments start right, when we're unwilling to accept the point of view of someone else.
Part of any successful relationship is just knowing that people are the way they are and you have no right to change that. But also why would you, you're with this person or friends with them because you like who they are? So if you try and change that surely that undermines the whole point of the relationship. With acceptance comes a deep understanding, that sounds a bit pretentious of me but I literally just thought of that now and it's kind of true. If you accept that your friend doesn't do drugs, if you accept your boyfriend likes Gillmore Girls then your actions and decisions will be informed by this, then everyone's happy. Obviously this means that there are some compromises along the way but that's part of life I guess.
I did say that acceptance is down to other people but in fact... wait can I change my opinion half way through a blog post? Yes, yes I can. Acceptance is also an internal thing, just accepting yourself. Accepting the fact that you are you and that is totally okay, you or anyone around you shouldn't have to or want to change that. The faster you accept yourself the quicker others will. And remember not everyone is going to accept you which is also fine because there are many people that will and those are the people who matter.
It's also important for us though to try and be as accepting as others as possible. Accepting them both physically and mentally. Why would we deprive someone of a feeling that almost all humans want to experience. I think people forget the impact they can have on an individual's life because with just a simple word or phrase you can totally make that person's day and it's so easy. No one in life is above or below you, we all have the right to feel accepted and no one has the right to deny someone of that. Be you and accept and appreciate others.
Frames are hard to break...
So my new years resolution was to get my sh*t together and basically have a better outlook on life and like most new years resolutions have I kept to it?... HAVE I 'ECK.
To be fair the year started off pretty well I felt I was in a good place mentally, professionally not quite physically (although this is something I want to work on) but all in all I guess I was pretty happy and just generally in a good mood about life. Now for anyone that knows me I'm rarely ever in a good mood, I mean I'm a pretty chill guy but I'm just never in a good mood. I just feel like people don't want to see other people happy especially if they're not happy themselves. But 2016 was different I was feeling good about life and the potential opportunities the year had to offer. However it's now 19th January 2016 and my good mood has just run out. I think it was on a meter and I've just forgotten to put more money in OR the meter itself has just been stolen.
Not to make this a depressing post, as that's where it seems like its going, but it's easier to go from a good frame of mind to a bad one than it is to go from a bad frame of mind to a good one. Think of it like a mountain. Its much easier to go from the top to the bottom than it is to go from the bottom to the top, because you know... gravity. Our frames of mind are the same so it's vital that we try and stay in not only the right frame of mind but a good one to stop ourselves falling from grace. But it's all well and good saying this, the real question is how do you do it.
I think a big part of it is just surrounding yourself with the right people which has been a big problem for me recently. I mean the people around constantly change, thoughts and opinions of them change and nothing is constant which gives you even more problems. There are people out there who will naturally support you but others who just screw you over which could be intentional or unintentional. I think this is actually a theme of most of my blog posts, the importance of friends. There are numerous people out there that can just lift me with one single sentence and these are the people we need in our lives. But also its important that we be this person for someone else. If you see someone is in need of support why not just give it to them. And support doesn't have to be a financial thing or donating a kidney it can be as simple as "well done" or "congratulations" or a simple compliment. I know for me personally this gives me an extra emotional boost which does wonders for my mental state.
i think I'm moving into a stage of my life where a lot of what I do is becoming public. Whether it be blog posts, vlogs, films or scripts. These are all creative properties of mine and just knowing someone enjoys or appreciates what I have created is great! And I can't thank the people enough who fall into this category. But along with this you get people who are just downers and for no particular reason are just there to spout their negativity. I don't understand why people waste their energy being negative towards other people who are just trying to do something with their lives. A lot of people call me a hater or say that I'm negative but what I've realised as although I do hate on a lot of things its never public. If someone asks me a question then I'll answer it truthfully. I'll never go out of my way to put someone down or sabotage something of theirs. Especially if its something creative because that's when people need all the positivity they can get.
I am a firm believer that people need to off load all their negative energy but do that privately. Write it down, tell a friend or speak into a mirror. Don't go out of your way to directly express your negativity at someone because ultimately it helps no one. It's a waste of your time and can potentially have a negative impact on the person who it's targeted at.
Hopefully all that made sense. The moral of the story is be positive and support others. Don't waste precious time and energy being a complete ass.
