Dear Nana...

I never thought I'd have to write a post like this but with 2016 going the way it did it's not much of a surprise to me. In the early morning on 20th December 2016 my Nan sadly passed away. Luckily, well I say luckily, it wasn't sudden. She had been ill for a while so I had time to prepare myself. A part of me was naive thinking that she would get better. But that's what we do when we're hit with news so tragic, we go into complete denial. But she was always a formidable woman, a strong woman and I genuinely thought she would beat it. I just wish now I spent more of that time accepting the situation and just seeing her as much as I could.

I am currently not at home, which for some people would be hard but for me I am quite glad. I can accept that she is gone and being alone to deal with it is kind of what I need. What would be hard about the situation is seeing family devastated over what has happened. I have been fairly lucky, I haven't experienced a death of someone so close to me until now so I don't really know what I should be feeling or what the heck to do and I don't think I could be someone supporting others through this. As I said we all knew she was ill so I just pray that everyone had their time to come to terms with it and not let it hit them so hard. I mean that makes sense theoretically but let's be honest death will always hit hard whether you saw it coming or not. To think you're never gonna see that person again. You start to think about all the things you're going to miss about them which is actually nothing because there are so many small things you'll miss too that you don't even realise.

For those of you who know me, you probably know that I was always at my nan's house. For the first 18 years of my life I would go round her house twice a week every single week. And what I'm starting to realise now is that maybe I took that for granted. I mean there would be times I'd go round and not really interact with her but just being there was the point. Being amongst your closest family is why we went round. Not to mention that she literally lived round the corner from me so I could literally see her whenever I wanted. I feel privileged that I got 22 years with her and I understand that the next 22 just won't be the same.

So after months believing that she would get better, the other day my mum told me that she wouldn't and at that moment is when I came to terms with her death. So now she is actually gone, it hasn't hit me so hard but I am sure that some time in the near future it will. I only have fond memories and that is what I will treasure and use to get through this. It's going to be hard losing the matriarch of the family and with it being so close to Christmas there's just such a mixture of emotions. But I know she wouldn't want us wallowing during the festive period so I won't. I'll enjoy the day and forever have her in my heart.

Experiencing death is something that we all are likely going to have to go through one day. And I've come to understand that there's no one real way of coping. If you want to cry you cry, if you want to laugh you laugh, if you want to lash out then I guess that's what you do. Death isn't about mourning the ones we've lost but celebrating the people that they were and remembering what they mean to us. You are who you are because this person had a certain impact on your life. Dwelling on the fact that they are gone, I know it's hard not to do but be thankful that they were once here. It's you that's going to carry on their memory and make them proud as they look down on you.

So Dear Nana, thank you for being the strongest and most caring person I know. Staying sane in such a chaotic family couldn't have been easy for you. It is an understatement to say that we're all going to miss you and not a day will go by when your grandchildren won't remember you. Thank you for blessing me with an enormous family who I get to see so regularly. I'll miss your homemade pizza, homemade chicken pie and the way you call me "Byno". I've never known a life without you living round the corner and although it will be different I know you'll always be there. Rest in perfect peace and Merry Christmas x