The unofficial sequel to "Why I Don't Have a Girlfriend"

Now I in no way want this post to sound whiny or self-pitying. I just want to make it clear that obviously I do have friends. The point of this post is trying to explain why I so often lose friends or drift apart from them. Maybe you can relate.

Right through my life it's safe to say that I've had many friends. I mean I'm 24 now so I am bound to have had a whole collection of acquaintances. But there have been far too many occasions where someone who I would call my best friend just doesn't speak to me anymore. And I can guarantee you that 99% of the time it comes from their end. If you are a good friend to me at any point in my life, that friendship means something to me so I'm not going to let it go just like that. I love people, I love communication, I love just getting to know the people I am close to. And yes I get it there are some times where you just drift apart from someone. Maybe they move away or they just become unavailable for whatever reason. And that is okay, people drift apart. And normally that is a mutual thing, you both accept that and it just happens. And most of the time you feel as though maybe some time down the line you can reach out to these people and potentially have a catch up. But this isn't what I am talking about. I am talking about those situations where you are literally talking to someone every single day, or near enough, and then suddenly this person just doesn't want to talk to you anymore. Now I don't know if it's just me but it's happened too many times. I can probably name 6 separate occasions when this has happened.

If you've been following this blog since it's humble beginnings then you know about a certain situation I had to deal with a few years back. The first time I ever experienced a total shutdown. Someone I considered my best friend literally blocked me on every social media platform and still to this day I have no idea why. To read the blog post click here I won't bore you with the details right now. But this was when I felt the full extent of a "friend" completely ditching me and it was also the first time. So ever since then I've become a bit more used to the whole situation. There is no doubt on this earth that I love all my friends. I will go above and beyond for them. And I'm not even just talking about best friends. I'm just talking about people that I talk to and are just friends. I'm what we call an empath and I just love interacting with people from all walks of life. So it is a bit frustrating when people just come and go and you have no idea why. I will say though having said all this I have no ill will towards any of these people.... hmmm actually maybe one. Definitely one. One of these people I have a lot of strong words for. But thats a story for another time. I always think that people have their reasons and no one on this Earth owes me anything... except for the tax man. It is completely up to you if you want to talk to me or not and yeah sure it will be nice to have a reason but if you want to completely terminate the friendship then that's your prerogative.

Like I said I love to talk, and I understand not everyone is like that. People will duck in and out of conversations I'm someone who can continue a conversation on for literally years. If I like speaking to you then I have no reason to end the conversation, that's just stupid. And all of these people I am talking about, this was the nature of our relationship. We would talk constantly so it was pretty easy to realise when something was going wrong. And its the worst feeling knowing something is up but not knowing how to fix it. I don't just have extended conversations with anyone. But I in no way trap people into talking to me... I'm just a good conversater. Every single day I look back and wish I was still friends with a myriad of people. And I know what you're saying. Why don't you try reaching out. Believe me I have but it's pretty easy to realise if someone wants to speak to you or not. Most of the time we will have a very fake conversation and once that ends I just won't hear from them again. And I don't want to start the conversation again, the fact that I reached out initially shows that I am still interested in being friends. And also sometimes I will clearly state my intentions but I get no real answers as to why people want to terminate a friendship. I do not know. Someone please tell me what I'm doing wrong or if they have experienced similar things.

Some of these people I may have had arguments with. But I have a very strict code I live by. If I EVER have an argument with a friend I will ALWAYS get over it. No matter what it is. I believe that all these years of friendship is worth it over one argument. If its a continued thing then that may be slightly different but overall my friendship with that person is what means the most to me. Everything I do will always be an attempt to rectify the situation, not cause more agg. If any of these people were to reach out to me it would honestly make my life and I would be happy to start a friendship again. But not everyone thinks like me and that is totally okay. If you feel as though not being friends with me is something you need then that is okay but I am always here and always willing. You can never really have too many friends right?

So when I think about my friends today... it's a fine list. But it could be longer and I'm getting to that age where you just don't see your friends as much as you used to and its incredibly hard to build new relationships. Where was I even going with this post? It's all been one big washing machine of emotions pouring out at once. But now... I don't want to chase people. To every person I speak to, I make it clear if I like you and want this to be a meaningful relationship. If you ain't into it then just say. I don't want to waste my time reaching out to you or wondering whether I should message you or when you're going to message me. It is SUCH a nice feeling when someone who you're friends with who you haven't spoken to in a while just reaches out and says "hey". But I feel like I'm always being this person which makes me think there is a reason why people don't want to reach out to me.

To avoid getting a bit too sorrowful though I'm going to stop. I hope I was able to articulate what I'm feeling and hopefully someone reading this can relate. This post was by no means an attack on anyone, in fact it's the complete opposite. I still love you. But to that one person who I have negative feelings towards. You know who you are... let's talk some time though... because as you know, I am INCREDIBLY understanding.

Continue reading

Share:

The story continues...

So normally when I write blog posts I have a certain sense of freedom being able to write what I want because I ultimately assume that no one will read it. But now writing this I know that people will read it and I know who these people will be which will ultimately affect what I say. But that's ok I have nothing to hide. So let's dive back into it shall we?

Summer 4 (2016)

I often say to people that 2016 was my favourite year at camp and people normally recoil in bemusement. Every year at camp is great, but of course some years are better than others. A lot happened in the summer of 2016 and I can see why it wasn't people's favourite summer. And for a long time I knew that I had a great summer in 2016 but I couldn't really put my finger on why. But looking back 2 years later I know exactly why. Firstly being at camp at that specific moment in time was so beneficial for me. I was doing my Masters and was having some "personal troubles". So getting away from it all and spending a few months in the woods was kind of like therapy. Also I must say this was probably the year that cemented some of my strongest relationships. It was definitely a summer of two halves. My first group of kids were a challenge to say the least. And I always joke about that TIC group not being too great but honestly they taught me so much and I feel we all bonded going through that experience. And there was a time where I felt like I lost them. Miles you know what I'm talking about. To this day I don't think I regret what we did but I regret the way it played out. But enough of me speaking cryptically. The second half of the summer proved to be a complete 180. And I am not joking when I say this but the second half of summer 2016 changed my life on so many levels. Coming off the back of a TIC group that made me work harder than I ever had and needed me to take on more of an authoritarian role this time round I was able to be a bit more lax and I felt more like an older brother. And I don't know what it was but I just bonded with this group on a different level. Part of why I love working at camp and especially with the older kids is because of that connection you can have with them and being the Counselor in Training Director gave me the perfect opportunity to do that. I love teaching them all leadership skills but what I love more is getting to know them all individually and supporting them emotionally. And my emotional maturity has not been tested more. One friendship that really blossomed for me was with a young girl who goes by the name of Toby Shore. I had no previous relationship with this girl but by the end of the summer it was like we've known each other for years. And that relationship continues today but 2016 was also about strengthening former relationships, Isabelle, Rayna, Ethan, Myles, Andrew, Lily, Rylee and Michael, thanks for everything you did for me but also everything you did for each other. Some of my highlights of the summer include, Phonegate, Cheska's leaving celebrations, a conversation I had with Rayna, Isabelle and Toby and giving Toby her banquet gift. This was also the first year I got to make the camp video which perfectly wrapped up my summer. Unfortunately I was unable to stay much after camp ended because I had a Masters to finish but hey ho.
Favourite memory: Picking up trash on an early morning with Violet.

Summer 5 (2017)

2017... I remember it like it was yesterday. This was the first year I really get to experience being on staff with a bunch of my former CITs. Unless you've been CIT Director you will never quite understand the connection you have with your TICs. I may be repeating myself a lot but it is something I truly cherish. And having relationships with a lot of them in the real world meant I was so excited to be able to work with a lot of them. But your excitement for the future never really turns into reality does it. And this isn't to say I didn't have a great time working with them it was just harder than I imagined. 2017 was all about me becoming accustomed to this new dynamic. Because it's all well and good developing these close relationships but that can all become undone in 2 months. Trust me I've seen it. Living and working with people that you were previously a mentor to and had to care of can be both emotionally and professionally taxing. Because now you not only have to focus on the job at hand but you also need to maintain all your old relationships whilst developing new ones. Things get a bit wild and people expect things from you that you're just unable to give. I must say it was a huge learning curve for me but I don't think it necessarily defined my summer however it did come with a lot of personal troubles also. But 2017 was also the year of change. We got a new Camp Director and a completely new cabin so CDW seemed like it was a different place. You know when a TV series gets a new showrunner and its still the same show but everything within it changes. Yeah, it was kind of like that. And I really felt it, there was a completely new vibe amongst staff as a whole and Ad staff for that matter. I had a new co which was a shock after working with Efrosini for so long. It was a shock, but I was also excited. Rachel was one of few people I actually developed a relationship with in my first year so I was excited to get the opportunity to work more closely with her. Plus it also meant that the TIC programme was going to get a completely fresh set of eyes. I was a bit wary that now doing the same job for the 3rd year the programme would get a bit stale but I also wanted to make sure that everything I had brought wasn't being completely disregarded. Transitioning was difficult, but if I am one thing, then I am a people person and highly adaptable. The main change we encountered with the programme, which was no decision of ours, we had 10 TICs in the first session. And I never thought this would be a huge difference. But it really was. It made for a completely new dynamic and means that I had to be emotionally open to more people. I did feel as though I wasn't able to get to know that group of TICs as well as I would've liked but I think it is one of the TIC sessions I am most proud of. We saw huge growths in every single one of them and being able to accommodate 10 TICs for the first time was quite the achievement and is now the standard. I always said having 10 TICs made more sense than having 9. It was especially strange though going to 8 TICs for the second half. Not only did the numbers decrease but it was just a completely different experience. I think a lot of it was down to this group being older on average. Not that the first group were immature but the age difference really showed. Unfortunately the number did decrease to 7 which meant the session was like none other I've ever experienced. It was also the first time I had a TIC that was previously in my Cotoxin. I think this group was perhaps one of the easiest I've ever had. The only thing I was concerned about was the interactions the group was having. I was very concerned about how the group would interact with each other and I think up until this point it was something I had taken for granted and didn't think too much about. But it was all good, the only thing I had to worry about was Eliza calling me overrated. I became especially close with my fellow Ad Staff members especially my babes Amanda who apparently I am desperately in love with. But that friendship and the already established one I had with Efrosini really did get me through the summer and I was forever grateful for both of them. I was ready for 2017 to be my last summer as TIC director and treated it as such. I was also open to it being my last year at camp but you all know I can never quite stay away. It perfectly ended with me spending a few weeks at camp doing some off-season stuff and becoming particularly close with my gal Francesca. If I had to rank summer 2017 it would probably be firmly mid table.
Favourite Memory: BANQUET

Summer 6 (2018)

I think the summer of 2018 was probably the summer where I was the most anxious about going back. Coming off the back of a somewhat difficult summer where I faced some unforeseen issues i was very weary about new challenges I would face. I was now going into my 6th summer so not only would other people expect a lot from me but I was expecting a lot from myself. I didn't want to repeat the mistakes I made from the previous summer and I would now be surrounded by a bunch of people I am incredibly close with but having to operate within a completely new relationship dynamic. I think this is something I always underestimate. When you get the opportunity to work with people you love then you're automatically excited. But you forget that you can't act the way you do in the real world. Imagine working with your friends and trying to get away with the shenanigans you normally get up to. Especially if one of you is technically the others ones boss. It just isn't possible. But that's not the main issue. Part of my job at camp means that I am not readily available and rarely around other staff members. So whilst I'm off doing my ish, other relationships are forming and even though it's silly to think you have to compete with others it does sometimes feel that way. You can feel as though you are losing your established relationships to other people. And I've had enough summers to know that this isn't the case but it really doesn't stop you from thinking it. So I spent this summer being hyper-aware of this fact but because this was my 4th summer as CIT Director I wanted to give the programme my full attention, I did prioritise my work as opposed to my relationships. And yeah it created some tension. I don't regret it though because not only did it allow me to do my job effectively but it also made it clear to me how much I really do cherish the relationships I have. And even though we had two amazing TIC sessions they didn't come without their issues. It was amazing to have two completely different groups of kids but both incredible sessions. Speaking of the second session in particular I faced a problem that I had never faced before. And even though it really did suck for my group of kids I thrived being in a position to rectify the situation for them. And I must say I think we handled the situation swimmingly. Oh and I just need to add. Lyla, you coming back to CDW after so long and fitting in so seamlessly was absolutely beautiful. I was so nervous and had no idea how you'd integrate but being your TIC director was a pleasure as it was very every single one of my TICSs in 2018. This was also a summer where I didn't have certain people that I had been particularly close with the summer before. And I think it affected me more than I anticipated. Part of staying sane at camp is having those people you vent to. And boy did I have a lot to vent about this summer. It's not the same venting to people who are not in the situation with you. A lot of my frustrations this summer however I felt I was mature enough to just get over. I am very much at that point now where I don't let myself get emotional or stressed over camp drama. Yes things get hard but at the end of the day camp is such a bubble and your emotions are heightened. I think I've learnt just to take a step back and get on with life but this in no way means I don't care. I tried to make 2018 as stable as I could and obviously nothing at camp is ever that stable so needless to say it didn't happen but I can honestly say coming out of the summer I was probably the happiest I've ever been. It was the first time where I was genuinely considering not coming back so was very much treating it as if it could be my last summer and I wanted it to end as positively as possible. I also made some great new relationships with campers and we did some new things throughout the summer that we've never done before. It almost felt as though camp had been rebooted. Staff was amazing, returners and newbies alike and Ad Staff completely smashed it as they have been since 2015 haha. I also believe off-season was a key reason why 2018 was great for me. Even though I had worked off season before this, this off season was different. I think just being able to work so closely with such a small group of people and just working so hard to get camp ready for the summer was just a great experience and perhaps one of my favourite camp memories. If 2018 is to be my last summer working at CDW then I am happy.
Favourite Memory: All of pre-summer off season

Continue reading

Share:

Because people asked for this...

So if you know me, and if you recognise the photo, you know what this post is going to be about. And I've written about this numerous times but people still want more so here it is. I will aim to be a lot more open and candid talking about it this time. I'm going to give my most honest account of working at Camp Dark Waters for the past 6 summers and how it has impacted me today. I'm also going to name drop a bunch of people because you all deserve recognition.

This is going to be in 3 parts just because I have so much to say. So I will recount my first 3 summers then the next 3 then write a post on the impact it's had on me.

Summer 1 (2013)

I have told a lot of people this story but my camp journey didn't start the same as it did for most people that work at CDW. Most people go up through the ranks, they're campers then CITs and eventually counselors and what this creates is a very close community where everyone knows everyone. So coming into an environment like this was hard for me. I'm not the most outspoken person ever and being a quiet individual doesn't really bode well at camp... unless you know how to use it. So I found myself amongst a bunch of strangers who were American, loud and obnoxious. I had no idea what I was doing there, I wasn't even that in to the idea of camp but there I was, having no idea what was in store for me. I spent my first summer being the low key counselor. People knew who I was, mainly because I was British, but I wasn't one to make a fool of myself in front of people. I hated the constant singing and the announcements and living in the middle of nowhere. For the first 2 weeks I wanted to go home. But I will never forget the people that made me feel welcome. And one thing I will always remember is Christine making an effort to get to know me during staff week and that is something that still sticks with me today. It's safe to say that I was a pretty mediocre counsellor and I had no plans to go back for a second summer. I thought it would be a great thing to do just the one time and then get on with my life. But I met a bunch of amazing people, mostly the kids, and when they're asking you to come back the next year its hard to say no. I had probably the best crew I ever had with Olivia. Probably the only crew that I vividly remember. I was a young 18 year old boy going into the summer with a lot of insecurities and anxieties and even though I am still insecure and anxious this place taught me things that I could not learn anywhere else. As the weeks went on, I felt more and more comfortable being there and by the end it really felt like home.

Summer 2 (2014)

Summer 2 started very weirdly for me. I arrived early to camp as I was in NYC visiting family beforehand. So I was there during what they call Ad Staff Week. And the previous summer to this, I had no relationship with Ad Staff whatsoever. Oh for you guys that don't know Ad Staff are the administrators and they're kind of the counselor's boss. No, not kind of... they ARE the boss, forever and always. Anywho I spent the week feeling very awkward as I found myself in bars with people 10 years older than me who I had not spoken to before. And anyone that knows me knows that this is a situation that just terrifies me. But I will say, it was actually good that I had this week. Being a second year counselor is one of the most important jobs at camp and one of the hardest. You not only have to better what you did the previous year but you also have a new crop of first year counsellors that you have to help and guide. So getting to know Ad Staff made me feel a bit more comfortable going into the summer and hopefully put me in their good books. I honestly feel like this summer was the making of me. It was the first time I felt like I was making real connections with both staff and campers. I had a great relationship with my co Stephen, became close with one of my best friends now, Katie, and discovered a new crop of amazing campers. I also want to actually thank Mad-Dog for how my second summer went. You were a huge factor in making me feel comfortable at camp and were always there for emotional support. Teaching Level X will always be one of my all time favourite camp experiences. Everyone knows I love to swim... so being able to impart some valuable knowledge on a group of great kids was quite the experience. All capped off with a nice ceremonial milk jug throwing that may or may not have had some crude messages. I then got the opportunity to become super involved with banquet. I got to pick which staff got which campers and also Maitre D'd the whole event. And summer 2014 was when I made one of my favourite banquet gifts. A quote board with a pretty great painting of Timone that I gave to my good friend Kristen. I always tell people that their second summer will most likely be their best. And still to this day the summer of 2014 is one of my favourites. I think it really solidified my love of camp and was the beginning of a bunch of great relationships for me.

Summer 3 (2015)

So this is where things really get interesting. In what probably would've been my final year at camp but the summer of 2015 was actually a very big turning point for me. So before this I had made it clear that if I was to be an Ad Staff person I would want to be the Counselor in Training Director. But I had no real aspirations of actually going for this. But staffing for 2015 was proving difficult and probably because I was the oldest counselor I got bumped up to what was my dream position. But because I came in so late and was paired with the baddest bitch ever (Love you Efrosini) it was a huge transition for me. To put it into perspective I only knew I would be doing this job a week before the summer started. So I came in not having a clue what I was doing and working with someone who had already done a lot of work on the CIT programme. So I spent a lot of my time attempting to put my stamp on the position but not trying to step on anyone's toes. And the first half of the summer was VERY hard. I went from working with effectively some of the youngest kids to the oldest and I just wasn't prepared for it. Who knew a bunch of competent 15-16 year olds could be so difficult. But having said this I knew this was the position for me. I was now able to have real conversations with the kids I was looking after and have a real impact on their development. And when I am still talking to one of those kids on a daily basis today in 2018 it makes it all worth it. Love ya Emma! So the second half of the summer results in a completely new set of kids and I initially thought it would be easy but tedious because we just had to repeat everything we had just did with the previous set, it was actually a completely different experience. The kids are what make the programme and that is something I didn't quite get initially. These new TICs cemented my love for the job and by this time Efi and I seemed to come to understand each other a lot better. I had always admired her as a counselor but she did intimidate so in fact getting the chance to work so closely with her was a privilege. It was a great way to cap of such a turbulent summer and one of my favourite memories will always be sitting in a canoe with Molly and Hussain on the last day to spill some tea.

Alright that's it for this post. And honestly looking back there is still so much I'd love to write about but I would honestly be here for days. Stay tuned for Summers 4-6 where you get to hear the story of how I fell in love.

Continue reading

Share:

A film I produced with the National Lottery in association with the BFI. Knife crime is an all too familiar issue in the UK but there are people out there doing something about it.

Continue reading

Share:

#ONESTORY presents make-up artist Halima Ali. She talks about the origins of her interest in make-up and the rapid growth of her Instagram.

Continue reading

Share: