The quietest people have the loudest minds.
The title kind of makes it sound like it's a choice... but it's not. I can probably guarantee that the majority of introverts wished they weren't. And I really don't know what how it happens or why it happens but it just is. For me personally I guess I've always been "shy" but never really considered myself an introvert until I got to university.
It was weird, I all of a sudden found myself in a situation where I didn't know anyone, my parents weren't in the next room and my life just completely got flipped on its head. All of a sudden the thought of living with complete strangers made me feel sick. And the frustrating thing is that I love meeting new people, I'm always ready to make new friends and connections but put me in a situation where I come face to face with someone I don't know I just close up. I become awkward, I have no idea what to say and I'm just being a shadow of who I really am.
And I promise, I'm not being rude I really do want to talk but in my head I just flick through every possible thing I can say and just can't pluck up the courage to say it and I don't know why. The world won't end if I ask you how your evening was, I'm sure you won't be offended if I ask where you're from but something just stops me. It's a struggle I have every single day and I always say to myself "What's the worst that could happen?" but even that doesn't make it any easier.
It really is true that that the quietest people have the loudest minds. On the outside it may seem that there's not much going on in the mind of an introvert but believe me there is. They're thinking about every single detail of the conversation they're having and more. They want to talk but they just don't know how to. And when they eventually do they spend the next 4 hours thinking about how they could've performed better. They know what they want to say and how to say it but their mind runs away and somehow just talks them out of it.
And they'll sit there listening to other people have conversations and wondering and wishing how they can have a conversation that easily. They make a pact with themselves. Next time "I have a conversation I'm going to try my absolute hardest to be myself and keep it going." The perfect opportunity comes but still they crawl back into their little shell and wishing they were in any other possible situation.
Attending group activities with people they hardly know terrifies them to death. They know they'll be the odd person standing on the fringes as everyone else acts like they've known each other for years. They wish that someone will approach them and maybe usher them into conversation because making the first step themselves is just too difficult. They can't make eye contact for more than a few seconds so it may seem like they're staring off into space when actually they're thinking about the sheer awkwardness of them not making eye contact and trying their best to rectify it.
But in the presence of people they know well and are comfortable with they're a completely different person it would seem. They don't mind being the centre of attention and will tell anecdotes until the sun goes down. Same goes for the virtual world. They'll happily have a conversation behind a screen, masking themselves from the realities of social interactions. They don't want to meet this person face to face... not yet. Right now they are purely happy being a faceless conduit.
However they're smart, they can read you, they've worked you out pretty quickly. Their minds are working over time and latching on to every word you say but also focusing on the words you're not saying. They play over every single scenario in their head no matter how feasible and it eats away at them constantly. It's not all bad though, they also have crazy imaginations and are often fans of writing.
Being an introvert doesn't mean they're quiet, it means there is a loud person inside that doesn't know how to come out. They're scared of rejection, and being the centre of attention because of their own insecurities. They also like to exaggerate...
Which might mean this has all been a bit dramatic.
I guess I should start this by saying hello. Thats how most messages start right? So hello. Life probably seems quite easy right now. You're not really thinking about where you're going to be in 5, 10 or even 20 years. Well I can tell you. You're going go be right here, on the train writing this message. Lamenting all your regrets and misdeeds. Well it doesn't have to be this way if you don't want it to.
When you get to secondary school things are going to change for you. And I don't just mean your body. You will no longer be popular among your peers. You won't speak to your friends from primary school they'll soon drift away. But try and keep them. Not all of them. Just stay in contact with one. You will see them on the internet in years to come and just wonder what could have been. Friendship at that young of an age doesn't mean nothing. Its reminiscent of a time where nothing mattered, you had endless goals and dreams and anything was possible. That will start to fade so hang on to something that will remind you of those times.
You're going to meet a lot of people at secondary school. A lot will seem like friends forever but not all of them will stay. Do your best to be kind and understanding and those who want to stay, will. Remember that the majority of your friends will come and go and thats perfectly fine. But also remember you're going to find it hard to make friends anyway. You are well intentioned but you don't want to open up to many people so they never really get to see the real you. I'd like to say that this will get easier as you get older but even at 23 you're still having trouble. But its okay this wont stop you from having some truly great and real friendships.
Always work hard and figure out what it is you want to do. Not knowing is fine but channel that creativity of yours into something productive. Write a book, film something, save up for a decent camera. Just do something that allows you to have some sort of creative outlet. I mean its never too late but its always nice to have a bit of a head start. I know you love films and you love to play football. So stick with them. You never know something may come of it if you're dedicated.
Now you're going to start noticing girls a lot more in due time. I don't have to tell you this but always respect them. You feel uncomfortable around the majority of them anyway but you will learn that you actually get along with girls better than guys. I still don't know why. Heck girls may even start to like you. Always be empathetic and always be truthful. Don't be stupid, don't lead them on. The situation is bigger than you and you owe it to them to do what is necessary. But it's okay this won't be a recurring problem for you. You'll meet one other person after this. Probably best to avoid her though. She's not good news and in the moment it may seem like the best thing ever but a few weeks down the line she'll drop you and you'll feel like crap... even to this day.
Oh and I should probably warn you that you will lose one of the best friends you've ever had. Actually this may happen a few times. But the first time it happens I wish I could tell you what to do differently but I'm still not sure what happened. Just take it as a learning experience and carry it with you. A lot of your friends will love you unconditionally but be as open as you can with them. Some may start to resent you because you're so closed. I know it's hard but some people really are worth it.
You're going to become a role model to a bunch of crazy American children. You're not even going to think much of it before you go but when you get there you will fall in love with a little camp tucked away in New Jersey. Sure there's sand everywhere, it's in the middle of the woods and people walk around bare foot but you will still adore it. You'll meet some incredible people and make a real difference in people's lives and you will spend 5 summers working there. You won't regret one single second of it.
Oh and look after your eyes. I've been told I injured my eye some time in my youth but I can't remember when. If you don't then you will start to lose sight in one eye and will need to wear contacts. You'll think it's fine at first but it will wear you down and the quality of your life will drop.
If I know me then I know I am probably close to not paying attention anymore. Theres so much more I want to tell you. All the amazing holidays you'll go on with the family, fantastic opportunities you'll be a part of and just generally all the inspiring things you'll get to do. Some days you will feel worthless but even if you completely ignore this... I would say you've done quite alright for yourself.
If you know me you know I like to be firmly overground.
I've lived in London my entire life (apart from the 4 years I was at university) so the London Underground has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. Of course now I'm using it more than I did when I was 5 so I've noticed a fair few things that make the subterranean rabbit hole a crazy place. There's a lot to get through so let's begin.
Firstly let's talk about underground stations. If the station says it's Tottenham Court Road then I expect it to be on Tottenham Court Road. So why is it when I enter the station I am running through tunnels like some hamster in a lab experiment trying to search for this platform. And by the time I get there i'm probably in a new postal area, new time zone and different climate. When I get to the bottom of the escalator I expect the platform to be right there. I shouldn't have to do some mad cardio and work for it.
Now let's talk about general train etiquette. I've done the sums, I've thought it over but it makes absolutely no sense to try and get on the train before people have got off. Like calm down... you will make it on to the train you don't need to be hasty about it. And this also means when you are waiting for people to get off, don't stand right in the middle of the door. You are not Gandalf.
And when you are shuffling on to the train, keep your hands down. Don't touch me. I want to get on this train just as much as you pal. I'm going as fast as I can you don't need to push me.
Which leads on to another thing. Trains literally come every minute (unless it's the District line). Trust me if you can't get on this one there will be another one.
I know trains can get packed. I know our faces may be close together like we are in some tight embrace. But please keep your breaths shallow. I don't want hot air on my face, especially not from your mouth. If I wanted hot air I'd speak to Arsene Wenger after Arsenal comfortably lose a game and talk of him leaving resurface.
Which leads us on to packed trains. If you're by a seat and someone gets up and leaves but the train is still packed. Even if you don't want to sit down, it makes logistical sense for you to take that seat. Because if you don't, then some crazy person two carriages down will spot the seat and try and make their way through crowds of people to get there. Don't give them that opportunity, just sit the hell down.
Seen a good looking boy/girl/person? Wanna give them a little pree but don't want to make it obvious. The black of the tunnel makes for great reflections in the windows ;)
Actually, that's a deeper problem. Do you ever just see someone on any public transport and you're just infatuated. You look at them, they look at you for a split second and you instantly think you have some sort of connection. Then they get off and you never see them again...
Moving on... let's actually talk about the District line and how much it sucks. So where I live the District line is the main underground line. Well i say "main" it's the only line that goes where I live. So for a long time I thought this was my life I just had to deal with how awful the line was. But then I discovered the c2c so now life is a whole lot better. But sometimes getting the c2c just isn't an option so there are some dark days where I have to board the dreaded thing. Firstly the train literally comes like every 15 minutes. Then when you get on one it has the cheek to wait at a station and say they're regulating the service. What the heck are you regulating? You have no right. And why the bloody hell do you go so slow? It will literally travel at like 10mph between stations so by the time you get to your destination you could've made your way through a director's cut of Titanic.
It's not all doom and gloom though... actually it is. I was just about to compare it to the metro in New York but it's only better in 2 respects and no one really cares about either of them. The first, there's no second guessing whether a seat is available. On the metro in New York there are no dividers. It's just one long bench. So there may be a space for your ghetto booty but you have to size it up before you actually go in for the kill. Also it's a whole lot easier to understand. The trains on the metro are made up of letters and numbers instead of names. And it just makes everything a bit confusing. What the hell is an express train anyway.
Anyway this is dragging on a bit I might actually have to make a part 2. To finish off though below is a definitive ranking of tube lines. Of course I take some lines more than others so I'm a bit bias but whatever.
1. Jubilee
2. DLR
3. Victoria
4. Central
5. Picadilly
6. Northern
7. Bakerloo
8. Metropolitan
9. Circle
10. Waterloo and City
11. Hammersmith and City
12. District
Actually one last thing. Why is there some excited American dude on the tannoy at Waterloo station? Making it sound like some NFL game.
