Cito Says...

So, hi. I'm back, do you even care? Please say yes.

That was a bit soppy of me actually, but anyway I bet you all thought I had forgotten about this blogging gold mine but fear not it was just put on hiatus for a while.

So where am I now, well right now I'm at the library typing this up cos I don't own a functioning laptop. But in terms of the bigger sense of the question I've been around. Actually that's a lie I've been the opposite... America to be exact. SHOCK! Yeah this was my 3rd year stateside and with a promotion actually to show for it. It was easily the best year I've had there. With the added responsibility and working with a great group of kids it was the best experience I've had to date. It's safe to say that I am hooked on the place and I honestly can't see myself packing it in anytime soon, well that is until life gets in the way. Damn you life. I could talk for days about it but I'll probably save that for a different blog post.

So yeah I am now back in the UK, back at University doing a Masters in Producing Film and TV. "Masters" sounds so scary and in fact it is. There's a ton of work to get through and whole new bunch of people to get to know. No, I didn't only do it to put off getting areal job for another year, what do you take me for? Okay okay, that might be part of the reason but I did really feel it would be beneficial for me and it's all paid for so I can't exactly say no. The end of education is insight and I'm about to be regurgitated into this thing we called life. real world work is calling me and to be honest I'm not really listening. Just let me have some fun please. I must admit a part of me does want to get out there and start earning some serious cash, the Bank of Mum is going to go out of business soon if I carry on the way I am.

So that's where I am professionally, now personally. Let me tell you, my personal life is a bit of a mess. Having friends is one thing but keeping them is a whole other board game. The amount of people I speak to on a regular basis has decreased dramatically, I have no idea why. Oh wait, I do because I'm just a bit of a tool. I don't know, my social skills are just disappearing at an alarming rate and it's starting to worry me. How do you speak to someone without feeling like you're annoying them, how do you know if this person wants to speak to you. If you ask me, relationships are one big mind game and until you learn to sort your own head out, keeping friends is going to be a struggle.

Anyway I have a lecture soon, so that's it from me but I'll see you again very soon... probably.

It's that time of the month again. No... not THAT time. Story time!

I swear for as long as I live in Bournemouth I'm not going to stop talking about tramps. As if my sympathy for them wasn't low enough already this just takes it down to a 0.

So to give you some back story, in Bournemouth there's an underpass where a lot of the local homeless people like to hang out. They're actually quite friendly and walking down there is no problem at all. Just as well have to go under there quite a lot mainly to get to ASDA or the train/coach station.

ANYWHOOOOO... I had just packed my bags and was ready to head to the coach station as I was heading back home to London for the weekend. I was comfortably walking down the street without a care in the world as I approached the underpass. So as I was walking I saw a tramp. I only saw his head because my view was obscured by some bushes but you can just tell he was financially unstable. So I carry on walking and my view became less and less impeded and the lower half of his body was visible. As I was still pretty far I had no idea what I was looking at... but then he squat-ted. And I was thinking "Oh I didn't know tramps were into Zumba, good on him". But oh no, he wasn't into zumba at all. Turns out his trousers were halfway down his legs and he was having a nice... poo. If that wasn't bad enough his bum crack was as red as the devil himself. Why was his bum crack so red. So as you can imagine, I paused in my tracks trying to fathom what it is my eyes are witnessing. And then the icing on the cake. He produces toilet roll and wipes his arse. He had obviously planned this. There's an ASDA right there man. Just, why?

Not wanting to go anywhere near this human being I chose to dodge the traffic on the main road and hopefully forget the last minute of life. I then prayed to comfort myself and proceeded to the coach station safe in the knowledge I would never have to experience that again, RIGHT, RIGHT... WRONG!

Just got back from London, it's like 12am, I'm tired and just want to sleep. I think this is the time to mention that this over pass has 4 entrances, so obviously I'm at a different entrance than I was before, AND THE SAME GUY WITH HIS RED ARSE CRACK IS IN THE SAME POSITION DOING THE SAME THING. Is this guy following me? Am I being pranked. This time I didn't wait for the toilet roll to come out and just took the high road. And since then I have never taken that underpass.

Moral of this story is... if you decide to have a poo in public, don't.

So I'm a huge football fan, well I say huge... only when my team is winning. And for all you other football fans out there you know that punditry is very much a big part of a football match these days. With the premier league nearing it's end I thought it was only fitting to rank the UK's pundits. So I'm going to start with who I believe are the UK's top 10 pundits then give a few honourable mentions to the worse. The list will mainly feature pundits from Sky, BT and the BBC.
SO LEGGOOOOOO...

10. Glen Hoddle

Probably only here because I couldn't think of anyone else. He will do I guess. Good manager, good player maybe a tad boring but yeah I'll let him grace the list.

9. Thierry Henry

Maybe a surprise to some people seeing as he's new to the game and there has been some criticism towards him. But when you set the premier league on fire like he did and was perhaps one of the best strikers to grace the lead everything and anything he says is going to be interesting to hear. Obviously highly intelligent in his analysis especially of strikers with a few more years experience he'll be one of the best. Sometimes takes a bit long to get his point across but I put that down maybe to just being a newbie.

8. Phil Neville

Maybe another surprise, but I found it very hard to rank pundits. Phile Neville isn't an amazing pundit but he does just talk a lot of sense. He has years of experience in the game at top clubs like Manchester United and Everton he obviously knows what he's talking about.

7. Jermaine Jenas

And the surprises keep on coming. The only reason why Jenas is on the list is perhaps because he didn't reach the heights like other pundits did in they're playing career so just being able to be a pundit in the first place is an achievement. Unfortunately suffered an injury which prematurely put an end to his career he seems to be having a blast as part of the punditry squad for BBC. Surprisingly inciteful at times and always speaking with a smile on his face the fact that he's young and has only just come out of the game brings a sense of youth and freshness to what otherwise looks like a grandad's meeting around the MOTD table.

6. Mark Lawrenson

Just tells it like it is.

5. Ruud Gullit

Cool, calm and collected. Always nice to add a bit of international class to proceedings and Gullit brings just that. With an amazing career that includes a Ballon d'Or and World Soccer Player of the Year Gullit was perhaps a big catch by the BBC. Knows the game inside out, highly intelligent and not annoying.

4. Jamie Redknapp

I know a lot of people are divided by Jamie Redknapp, well at least I think they are, I really respect him. had a moderately successful career but shows a raw enthusiasm for punditry that we perhaps don't see with many others. I think the fact that he didn't really achieve anything is a testament to his punditry. Just as long as he can ditch that biased towards his cuz Frank he could be a favourite.

3. Graeme Souness

Someone else who tells it like it is. Just has a sense of authority and makes you believe in everything he's saying. Maybe that's just me.

2. Jamie Carragher

ANNOYING VOICE... but I look past that and his work on MNF is just incredible. Had a long semi successful career with Liverpool playing with some of the world's top players. He knows the deal and does it in style.

1. Gary Neville

Was anyone else going to be number 1? I think not. This man has probably revolutionised the world of punditry. Along with Carragher is work on MNF is amazing. Surprisingly unbiased towards his old club Manchester United the man finds things in football games you had never even considered before. Perhaps one of the best right backs the Premier League has ever seen he was destined for punditry. His occassion banter with his old rival Carragher is in fact funny and a joy to watch. His occasional co-commentary is also top notch.

Honourable mentions for worse pundits...

Alan Shearer

Used to like him and admired him when I was a kid but my main probolem with him is the way he casually uses the line "Should've scored". Okay at times when he says the play should have scored but when someone takes a shot from the edge of the area with about 9 players in the box you can't be saying that. Only because your the leagues all time top goal scorer doesn't mean you can start saying everyone should be scoring here there and everywhere.

Robbie Savage

Again with the voice. Achieved next to nothing in his career, wasn't even that good a footballer don't even know how he made it into the world of punditry. But I concede that you don't need to have achieved a lot to be a great pundit but you do need a good footballing mind, unfortunately this man has neither. I will say this though he's not afraid to say what he thinks even if it is controversial. He's said a lot of things I've thought before.

Martin Keown

Didn't like him when he was a player, don't like him now his a player. Offers no incite what so ever, basically just describes the game as it goes along.

Michael Owen

A rare pundit but an ever present co commentator who comes out with the most outrageous statements (Sterling is better than Ozil) and also unfortunately has an annoying voice. But I did like him as a player and i assume I like him as a human being.

Steve Mcmanaman

Okay you played for Real Madrid... don't know where I was going with that. He just always seems to be angry.

Roy Keane

He's not a bad pundit. But he's brutal honesty which I almost always disagree with is a bit jarring.

Who are your favourite pundits?

Because being not loud means your boring and unsociable... right?

I'm a journey of self discovery today, so this post is going to be a bit personal. I promise it will be interesting just bare with.

So many people who know me will probably see me in two different ways. Close friends and family will probably say I'm very talkative and always joking around whereas other people who don't know me quite so well will probably say I'm quiet and unsociable. Quiet, yes, unsociable no. This divide only became apparent to me when I started university and I found out I am indeed a very quiet person. Actually I prefer the term introverted.

I guess you could say it's shyness and I can admit when I'm meeting new people or in a big group of people I am a bit shy. I hate being centre of attention and I guess I just don't want to stand out. If you're a shy person you probably understand this and meeting new people is such a struggle. It's so hard to bring out who you when meeting someone new for the first time. Some people are able to do it instantly which I think is pretty amazing, others it takes time.

I think for me personally, you will only get to see that talkative and jokey side of me is if you are yourself with me. All too often we're put in a situation where we're just making small talk but you're not actually being yourself. I mean you don't know this person so it's not going to happen straight away. What makes me feel most comfortable is if you're able to joke around a bit and not keep everything so formal. I love people who don't take themselves too seriously, who smile and seem genuinely interested in getting to know you. I would love to be the type of guy who instigates this kind of behaviour but I'm just not. What if I say the wrong thing? What if this person doesn't even want to speak to me? What if I'm just annoying them?

That aside a lot of it is down to me just not wanting to say anything. You know you get these people that talk for the sake of talking. I could never be that. Because most of the time I feel as though they're talking about crap no one wants to hear and I wouldn't want to be that guy. If I feel as though what I have to say serves some importance then I'll speak up. But until then I'm happy just observing and listening. Don't mistake the silence for being unsociable because in my head I'm very much involved with this group conversation, unfortunately the topic just isn't something I'm interested in or know much about so I keep my mouth shut.

The awkwardness that arises from these situations is unbearable though. Someone will ask me a simple question and all of a sudden it's like I'm in an interview and my mind just goes blank. I have no idea what to say. I want to say something meaningful I really do but yeah hardly anything comes out and the other party is just staring at me like "Wow this guy is boring". Also I've noticed, in person, that I'm not very good at keeping a conversation going. With close friends its easy because I speak to them everyday so I practically know what to say almost instantly without having to think but with others it takes a bit more thought and mental preparation. Thank you for conversing with me but I literally have no idea how to keep this conversation moving. And the thing that annoys me is if I'm texting I always come up with adequate responses. Ah man, I don't know what's wrong with me.

And the messed up thing about all this is that I love getting to know new people. I guess I'm just not very good at it. I've come to accept I am the way I am and no matter how hard I try it;s never going to change. I'm always going to be socially awkward, that guy you no of "but doesn't speak much". At this point I should probably note that most of the people I am close with I am only close with because at some point they initially started speaking to me. So thanks guys! Here's to friendship.

There's a personality in here, it just takes the right person to bring it out. If you fancy a challenge, you know where I am haha.

So to conclude, even though I don't say much believe me I am interested in what you're saying. I'm not "boring" I guess I just need the right environment and people and subject to get me going. Wow I'm high maintenance.

So you've got your eye on someone special...

Hope you all had a great Easter and are looking forward to your final term of school, college or university.

Moving on, today is just a quick word on "drawing" or "wooing" a girl you like. As I always say I know practically nothing about relationships or how the minds of females work but yeah this is just my take on it.

Let's start from the beginning. You're about 13 and you've just discovered "sex" not only this but you've discovered that it is this act that allowed you to exist. You've probably just got past the stage of laughing every time you hear the word and suddenly you're seeing girls in a completely different way. I'm not going to go into how puberty works because I imagine most of you know the basics. However it is puberty that kind of sets the foundations of your sexual endeavors.

Anywho, you know in the movies when an awkward mostly nerdy kind of guy likes a girl and 9 times out of 10 he ends up getting the girl despite the girl feeling no attraction or affection to him at the beginning of the movie. This whole concept I think is pretty unbelievable if you ask me. Can you really get a girl to like you and if so, how?

If you like someone and you speak to friends or family about them I can almost guarantee that they'll push you to ask her out having no prior knowledge of the existing relationship you have with said girl. You could have stolen her crayon when you were in primary school. You could have kicked her cat over a fence or never had any contact with her whatsoever.

Chances are you're probably to much of a wuss to do anything about it. Besides surely if this girl doesn't like you can you really make her like you? I think most good relationships develop naturally rather than ones fueled by lust and physical attraction. Remember this ain't a film. Only because you're a "good guy" doesn't mean you're going to end up with the girl.

Moreover we all know physical attraction plays a huge part in "getting a girl". If she's not physically attracted to you, sorry but what can you do? This doesn't mean your ugly, you might be, but not necessarily. Just simply you're not her type so no matter how much you like her, sorry it's unlikely she won't go for you. You'll just have to find a nice space in the friend zone.

Speaking of the friend zone if you want to be more than friends that walk into it. I know there are times where you don't realise you like someone until after your friends with them but for the cases where you have no relationship with them I think you need to make your intentions known pretty early. Girls will automatically put you in the friend zone unless you give them a reason not to. But I guess the most you can do is just be yourself. You want them to like you for you don't you? Don't be the person you think they want.

It's all very complicated and the whole thing is just mind games really. Your each trying to guess what the others thinking and their intentions. Don't put yourself on the line but also don't be coy about the situation. You don't want her to think that you run some undercover drug smuggling operation nor do you want her knowing that you possess undying love for her.

I think I kind of went off topic with this. But even though I spoke about boys getting girls I guess it could happen vice versa but we all know that girls are much more secretive about it than boys right?

... having said all this though after getting to know the girl you could learn she's a total bitch.

So guys it's story time... and today's story is about tramps, but one tramp in particular!

For you guys that don't know I reside in a little sea-side town called Bournemouth and I mean it's great but the amount of tramps. You know how people say we should respect tramps. Why? What have they ever done for me? And now because of this one experience I respect them even less... not that I respected them that much to begin with.

Very rarely do I take sympathy on the homeless, not because I'm a heartless person but more to do with I rarely carry money and if I do have money I can't be asked to stop and retrieve my brick of a wallet that is stuck in my skinny jeans. Nevertheless sometimes I'm in a good mood and will offer my hard earned cash. But oh boy is that going to stop. I swear I was happy on the wrong day.

So there I was, strutting my stuff down the street, quite proud with the shop I had just done at ASDA and I was looking forward to just getting back to my room and seeing bae (Netflix). I'm like 200 metres away and I can practically hear Francis Underwood calling my name. Then I see this rough guy at the corner of my eye. And you know them ones when you just know someones going to approach you so you do everything in your power to avoid that from happening. But me being the idiot I am thought he'd be a hero and carry all 7 bags of shopping on my ones, so it's safe to say I wasn't going anywhere fast. This was the ensuing conversation. Well how I remember it anyway I may be paraphrasing...

Tramp: Excuse me boss...

Me: Yes

Tramp: How you doing? I need money for the bus but I'm 80p short could you lend it to me?

Me: Yeah alright.

At this point I was fearing for my wallet because I had a bunch of bags on me, he could have taken it and ducked. So I get out my wallet and look through my change when he proceeds to say. Now I remember this bit clearly.

Tramp: If you've got a nugget in there that would be great?

So now I'm thinking, is this guy trying to rob my chicken nuggets aswell. Cos he don't know that nothing comes between me and some good chicken nuggets. But then I realised "Oh that must be slang for a £1"

So me still fearing for my wallets safety gave him the pound without even thinking... cos I'm a moron basically.

So there he is happy as Larry, so grateful for the whole pound I gave him and you know what I felt quite good inside. Don't get it twisted I wasn't going to becomes some modern day Robin Hood but I was starting to think maybe I wasn't as heartless as I thought.

So he left, probably to get some drugs or some ish and I carry on walking back to my digs and start to realise. "Hold on, he just robbed me". How is a tramp gonna upsell me? I acted like the guy had a knife to my throat. That pound could have got me one whole item from poundland. THE GUY DIDN'T EVEN ASK FOR A POUND. How's a tramp going to negotiate his beg money. It's called "beg" money for a reason. You can;t be making demands who do you think you are. So there's me contemplating life after just being robbed but kinda still feeling good because the guy was so grateful.

Lets fast forward a few weeks...

So a few weeks have past and I've pretty much forgotten about this guy think I was never gonna see him again. In my room getting a bit hungry, Tesco is across the road so I thought let me go and get some munch. So I go out looking homeless myself just about to enter the sanctuary that is Tesco when guess who approaches me. THE SAME TRAMP. This time saying "I'm a Londoner I just need 80p for the train." When a few things went through my mind.

If you're a Londoner why are you in Bournemouth?

If you can't afford to get back how the hell did you get here?

and...
WHY THE HELL DO YOU ALWAYS WANT 80P SPECIFICALLY?

So obviously now I know this guy is just full of gas. So me, knowing I have plenty of money in my pocket say "no, I have no change". And as polite tramps normally say "Oh okay thanks anyway" or something along those lines... this guy proceeds to argue with me. THIS GUY TRIED TO TELL ME I HAD MONEY. WTF? How can YOU tell me that I have money? Are you okay? If I say I have no money, I have no money. Whether I actually do is besides the point because the results the same. Then he had the audacity to call me a liar... HA! Are you hearing this? A liar aswell. A guy who has apparently been living off 80p rations in Bournemouth for a good couple of months but is from London and needs just 80p to afford a ticket back. I can't believe I even entertained the guy. Saying that I was paying by card and all sorts... what was I thinking?

If you're homeless you're supposed to be humble man, you can't be interrogating people for money... I only came out for a £3 meal deal.

Moral of the story is, if you live in Bournemouth and someone asks you for 80p keep your money in your pocket and go buy yourself a lollipop.

HELLO STONEHENGE!
If you know where that's from, good on you! To be honest I don't even know why I started with that. Anyway back to the matter at hand and actually this is a very serious matter so let me see those serious faces. No, more serious than that... there you go!

So for those of you that don't know my name is Byran, hello! Nice to meet ya. Some of you may have read that as Bryan, but no, it's Byran. See the difference... Byran vs Bryan. And that's just one of the annoying mistakes people make. No offence to anyone called "Bryan" but as you can imagine I despise that name. Anyway yeah my name isn't very common well the name Byron spelt with an O is semi common but I bet you will never meet someone else who spells it the same way I do. I don't know what the hell my parents were thinking which leads me on to my first problem.

PROBLEM 1: My name is spelt with an A not an O. And as I said I know the typical way of spelling it is with an O so I can let people off with this. If you accidentally spell it with an O then I have no problems with that it just gets a bit annoying correcting people all the time. Interchanging Os and As doesn't change the way my name is pronounced which leads me on to problem number deux.

PROBLEM 2: This is where I start to get annoyed. My name is Byran not Bryan. You can clearly see the Y comes before the R so why have you decided to switch it? You don't get to pick and choose what way round the letters go. Who do you think you are? Please just read the name right. I mean I know they're very very similar but surely you can see that Byran isn't the same as Bryan just at a quick glance.

PROBLEM 3: I've told you my name is Byran, you know my name is Byran, SO WHY ON EARTH DO YOU STILL SPELL IT AS BRYAN? People have actually said "Oh I thought it was spelt "Bryan" but you pronounce it as "Byran". What sense does that make? Someone please tell me. Why would you decide to pronounce the "y" before the "r" when the name is telling you different? Jheeeeeze.

PROBLEM 4: This one I don't get at all. It's only happened a couple of times. People spelling my name as "Bryon". WHO EVEN SPELLS "Bryan" like that. If you're going to call me by the wrong name at least spell it right. You've literally just mixed "Byron" and "Bryan" together and ended up with some hybrid name that's even uglier than my own.

PROBLEM 5: Hearing my name. Literally the worst thing ever. Actually worse than that, I hate saying my name. It leaves a weird taste in my mouth and I've actually come to realise that I can't even say my own name right. People often hear it as "Barren". No guys I'm not Barren.

PROBLEM 6: Autocorrect. Bloody autocorrect. When will you learn?

PROBLEM 7: Not being able to have the luxury of a personalised item. You know when you go to those souvenir stores and they have all the personalised crap with names on it and you spend hours looking for your name. Well imagine how I feel. I can't even enjoy the thrill of searching for my name because I know it won't be there... *sigh*. However I still look, hoping that one day a miracle will happen and my name will grace a pathetic keyring.

PROBLEM 8: People actually telling me that I've spelt my own name wrong. So I'll fill out a form or some ish. And the person will come back to me calling me "Bryan". This actually happened to me. And they told me that it was spelt like that on what ever formed I filled out. How are you going to tell me that I've spelt my own name wrong? And also after I've told someone they've spelt it wrong they'll proceed to ask me "Are you sure?" AM I SURE? I think I'm done with humans...

Mum, Dad, why didn't you just call me Bob?

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